gender agender
Last boost: Now that I'm a bit more established, I wanted to bring this up again--hope you will forgive this self-serving regurgitation, but I am genuinely interested in any additional feedback.
gender agender
@vyruem I saw this when it last came around. I didn’t have a good answer at the time, because I worried what I’d say would be too limited to my own personal experience and not generalize well.
But having the benefit of two weeks of it rattling around in my brain: there’s a difference, possibly represented as a spectrum with squishy relation to identity, between disaffection with gender norms and being genuinely incapable of internalizing or experiencing them.
gender agender
@vyruem For me, I have tried to gain traction on my own gender identity for some time. I’ve often described my experience as radio static, with no causal relation to masculine or feminine. I still identify as nonbinary, as such, with agender for “no definable gender identity”.
Which has itself caused me a great deal of dysphoria and inability to grasp social signals and norms, presenting a blank tabula rasa instead of masc, fem, or definable gender that I can identify.
gender agender
@vyruem I’ve learned to pass as masculine for purposes of holding down a job. I’ve also considered trying to become biologically genderless, but I haven’t found a template that works yet.
And I’m still going through the motions while my brain is flailing, “aaaaa, I have no idea why any of this is necessary”.
So, tl;dr: my own use of the label is because my experience with gender is advg͙̬̖͖̫̮u͈̯̹r̛̫̯̜̟̤̼ͅj͇̘̳̳̝̺̻j͍̲̯̀r̳̞̱̣̗͘i̴̺͔̖̝c̪̦̤̜̘t̫̞̠̜͍̖͟ 🐲🎉🐾🔌🍿❄️☁️ FILE NOT FOUND
gender agender
@vyruem (With fierce editing on the last reply, because a friend pointed out exactly how early drafts could be misread, and trying to explain that the human body really likes keeping certain constants intact is a challenge in even the best of circumstances, because biology is complicated. @..@)
gender agender
@Goldkin I've always had a sense of guilt and awkwardness with my societally-imposed prescribed gender-expectations, but I always assumed that was inexorably tied to either clinical depression or my guilt with regards to sexuality. It really hasn't been until the past year that I've started to fully appreciate the difference between all of those.
gender agender
I think I feel that I may be "too male" to claim anything else, despite my reservations. Outwardly, most of my presentation-based idiosyncrasies reflect a "repressed-goth" more than anything else. Though this development and attempt to express myself through appearance has become markedly more obvious (per my spouse) since having lost a significant amount of weight--as though I now feel more comfortable exploring different elements of expression.
gender agender
@Goldkin Thank you very much for this. I'm not sure if I can ever feel confident enough to claim anything as far as identity--as I have issues with feeling that I have not "earned" something--but this gives me significantly more to think about.