Goldkin @Goldkin@awoo.space

Hello, I’d like to stop being the paladin in the group and live a little. I’d like to skip to the part in the hero redemption arc where I’m accepted as the flawed and weird person that I am, instead of everyone thinking I’m wrong or somehow faking it.

Which is another way of saying, I’d like to be more approachable and actually talk about what I like again, but reversing the damage from the past years to where I’m comfortable is kind of hard on me right now.

Weh. ;..;

So, I’m open to advice on how to build and improve a balance of work-life identity without having to craft two completely distinct personae from one another. Fleeing tech entirely is probably not practical right now, but cutting back its impact on my life is very much something I want to do.

And, if anything, I’d like to make inroads towards building more things for myself, instead of continuing to let my life and lifestyle choices be sapped by my employer.

But I’m not entirely sure how to do that. Tech pays the bills, and late-stage capitalism has all but obliterated my prospects to work as a full-time 3D artist or designer if I decided to switch disciplines.

Capitalism’s answer to this problem, of, “oh, just make enough money so the bills aren’t a problem, then go do what you want”, is utter bollocks.

One of the side effects of working in tech for so long is I have become very careful about my likeness being posted online. I keep a policy of strict work-life separation, because some aspects of my identity are career-limiting in the patriarchal hellscape that is working in tech.

And, I hate that. I’ve wanted to leave tech for awhile to better integrate what I do with who I am, instead of continuing to cultivate two completely distinct identities.

‪Typically in batches instead of daily (working on it), but at least keeping pace with the journal. Which is better than I’ve done in the past.‬

I know I need to invest more time into socializing and rebuilding my trust in how I communicate. And that I need to forgive myself for having had minimal or bad information and for trying to do my best with it, oversimplification and bad communication decisions included.

I wish this were easier for me. It’s taken years, and I still haven’t entirely forgiven myself.

I’m here, but I’ve been quiet as I try to unpack complex emotional issues without miscommunicating horribly.

Holiday planning always makes me reflective and nervous, because I gloriously fucked up in the past with people I still care about. Most of that was miscommunication/too little information on my end, followed by multiple botched repair attempts.

Which is another way of saying: I still care, but I wish I knew how to make this better, and not scare people by my presence.

Is there a way to have Amaroq warn before boosting something? Just discovered a boost on my profile from fumbling with my phone. Oops.