Kistaro Windrider @Kistaro@awoo.space

My default “stress craving” has shifted off of cannabis and onto decaf black tea. Progress!

The tea is more expensive though

Be the tyrannical reptilian brood-queen you want to see in the world

@KawaSeadrake It remains effective as an aphrodisiac for me (and my intermittent thoughts of cannabis use over the last week have all been libido-correlated), although my libido without it suffered for it I think. Hopefully it will return.

I think I am at this point moderately less comfortable with cannabis use by my friends than I was before I tried it, and I’m not happy about holding that view.

So it’s a hard call. I don’t know what option forces me to give up more- the drug that robs me of every other evening and reduces my intelligence at all times, or the mental illness that bites and harms and attacks me and tells me I shouldn’t try.

But the drug does too. It makes me feel okay with sitting around and not doing anything to improve my life or state of being; as long as I keep using “I’m not okay” as a reason to go do something, I’m moving forward more without it.

I’m one week into not using THC (after using it every other day for a year and a half), so I should almost certainly wait three more weeks before making any decisions to untangle withdrawal effects from baseline things that it was correcting. I hate giving up any of my intelligence and ability to work so, despite its euphoric nature, I’d like to stay off this drug. I don’t want to be trapped in parts of the world relatively friendly to it. But I don’t know if my baseline is okay

I’ve stopped using cannabis because I thought it was having more negative effects on me than positive effects. Either it was stabilizing mood more than I thought or I’m having much worse withdrawal than would be expected for my usage rate. Either it wasn’t causing the headaches I was accusing it of or I’m having them anyway as a withdrawal side effect.

But I’m way more focused, productive, alert, and able to work without it. I am also impatient and grumpy, which isn’t new.

“Oh, pardon me”, I said to the shelf I bumped into

Random waves of despair are not me failing to manage my depression, they are my emotions working well enough to inform me I need to take action to mitigate depression. As odd as it feels to say I’m pretty sure this represents an improvement.

I don’t have good coping mechanisms for misanthropic, hateful moods and I really don’t want to hurt people around me with them

@SkinScalesSteam citation? I haven’t been able to find any information about this despite targeted efforts. I’ve found plenty of warnings about SSRI-like side effects and need to taper but not benzo-like effects.

I’m going to be dependent on something by definition anyway since “nothing” doesn’t seem like an adequate option for me for now. A prescribed antidepressant would be preferred but I have found three medical groups now that have no appointments available.

It's nice living in walking distance of Coldstone, so we can go there on a whim, but it's just long enough of a walk that it's a barrier to going there too often.

The dangerous part is that Half Price Books is on the route...

It’s nice to live in slightly long walking distance to a Coldstone. Close enough to enjoy on a whim but not so close the whim is overly easy to indulge

The dangerous part is that Half-Price Books is right along the route though.

It’s nice to live in slightly long walking distance to a Coldstone. Close enough to enjoy on a whim but not so close the whim is overly easy to indulge

The dangerous part is that Half-Price Books is right along the route though.

@KawaSeadrake Do you have any specific brand recommendations, among the supply available at QFC or Bartell (the places across the street from me)?

I prefer reading things over watching things. I just watch stuff because my hands are busy, or I need a background distraction to something that is too dull to keep focused on. Admittedly there’s a limited exception where I do enjoy watching DOTA 2 tournaments but that is an outlier and I am a massive nerd.

I’ve started using St. John’s Wort because I can’t get an appointment with an actual psychiatrist and now when I burp it tastes the way a craft store smells

I studied poker lessons before bed and then my dreams can be summarized as “what if Antonio Estandafari was really Gordon Ramsay?”

@salameleon Queen of Swords: Water of Air. Like all Queens, she lives in the flow of her suit; she channels it and it runs through her. She embodies it, lives with it, and is occasionally carried away by its force.

Swords, of air, of the mind, is typically dispassionate; occasionally disdainful - “cutting”, one might say. But a Queen, like a King (and unlike the Knave or Page), is wise; in her embodiment of cutting away that which is false, she lets truth show.