Falling apart tonight, tbh.

I don't think I can do this. Just thinking about the idea of walking back into that nightmare of ambiguous social cues and potential disappointment has been made me break down in tears twice today already. I can't go back until something really fundamental heals up in me. And I don't know when or if that's gonna happen.

Maybe I'll try again next year, after I've got a little more money saved up and can just get a nice hotel to retreat to, somewhere that's MINE and I don't feel like I have to worry about anyone else and can just try to enjoy myself, and be alone if I need to be. Having to couch-hop is just gonna remind me of what a burden I always felt like out there.

I gotta deal with the fact that the things I originally came out to Seattle for were utterly destroyed and there's just no going back. I gotta build them here or never have them again at all.