mood, media, regrets
Finished up the Adventure Time finale and took that damn "Time Adventure" song like a punch to the gut.
There's just no going back and I don't see nearly enough going forward. I'm tired of guilt-riddenly miss-hating Kristy and Jessie. I don't know why I can't move forward.
I know there's nothing left there for me, and nothing I would still want at this point even if I could. I just wish I had at least been left with some option to go *clean up* that toxic spill--or some degree of concession that it wasn't 100% my fault or my toxins.
I wasn't even that happy those days. I was just SO MUCH CLOSER to the things I thought I wanted most in life, even if it was close in the same way Tantalus was close to food.
I thought I'd at least get a chance to recuperate down here, meet new people and find a crowd that could at least remotely offer the emotional intimacy I got, at the best of times, from the postfurries.
But instead I wanted straight into a year of isolation, and it looks like it won't be over anytime soon. I haven't even been given the *opportunity* to go out and fail.
And it ain't even the worst I've seen. Most of my old friends are in even *worse* shape, and I don't dare go back and try to suck any more of their energy out by trying to reforge connections.
I have the quietest damn life, a partner who's become almost unearthly in her patience and serenity, the best job I've ever had, a creative project with a lot of promise, and nothing better to do than enjoy them.
So why am I balanced on that knife edge between 24-hour naps and 24-hour screaming?
re: mood, media, regrets
@zebratron2084 Because everyone dealing with this thing has past regrets which now, instead of being able to process or distract from, we get to process amidst the stress of being cooped up largely in one place with something horrible lurking out there, and a government which at best is merely incompetent.
The nature of this thing for me has been that days can very quickly go between a miserable haul and being wonderful, simplistic contentment with horrifying ease. And while I couldn't see the back of the Bay Area fast enough, I think of the damn Bay Area all the time.
