Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

#drawing today, inspired by the Clash of the Titans soundtrack.

THIS SUMMER

SET SAIL FOR EXCITEMENT™️

AND SQUID

LOTS AND LOTS OF SQUID

SQUID ISLAND: CURSE OF THE SEPIA INK™️
#arrrrr #HardToPort #RunOutTheGuns #ARRRR

Writer on about how the Panther was this amazing tank if it wasn’t vulnerable to attacks from anywhere but the front, had design flaws (fires not mentioned), decline in crew quality, and material shortages.

Which to my not-suspiciously-fan-of-everything-Wehrmacht mind sounds like a merely ok tank.

I’ve now been on hold for easily 30 minutes hearing among other things on repeat, this schpiel about The Ultimate Fishstick™️

Hell yes it’s time to listen to Hello Nasty again!

@mawr can we start with my landlords

When I got back to sleep after the anxiety attack, I dreamed about petting dogs and cats, so that part was good.

just now that was some sort of little environmentally driven anxiety spike, a little too sudden to be me spiraling thought wise. Wonder what it was that set that off?

I don't know about you but I've spent a huge amount of energy trying to shove what I want into the category of what I'm told is good to want because, what else am I going to think? Independence is weird and nuanced. I'd imagine that if things had gone differently and I had more money I'd still be wondering why I was sort of unhappy.

#drawing today

I'LL STIR FRY YOU IN MY WOK!
YOU START SHAKIN' AND YOUR FINGERS POP
LIKE A PINCH FROM THE NECK FROM MISTER SPOCK!

@robinhood it gets BETTER, because keeping in mind Julia Child's "actual French cooking is simple, unpretentious stuff" I looked up the French word for gravy which is of course... sauce.

Urge to swing by Safeway, see what sort of meat is on sale, buy it, cook it up.

The obvious stupid Reformation joke;

The average person never actually nails their complaints about the Catholic Church to a cathedral door. “Ritter Georg,” who nailed 95 complaints to a door, is an anomaly and should not have been counted.

@topaz okay, Folsom is a city but Folsom Street is in San Francisco. In this case, it’s the location for the Folsom Street Fair, which is about Queerness and BDSM friendly, a little like if Pride were more about real people. It is NOT family friendly and I like it a lot. https://www.folsomstreet.org/folsom-street-fair-2023

not Gay as in happy but Gay as in giving a blowjob next to the garlic fries at Folsom

Again, my analogy is;

I have been trained that if I strive to be (or if I am, my upbringing was real big on the idea of making it to the top through innate virtues) X Y and Z and do A B and C, then 1 2 and 3 will happen, when in reality is more like;

I am X and Y but maybe also J instead, I can maybe do B but don't get to do C and as a result do H instead, and external events L M and O happen, which means that maybe I get 1 and 2, but only for a short time, or maybe I get 3 and that gives me enough confidence to do K which leads to other stuff, and maybe I wind up at 1, 15, and 23 instead.

While up last night I ran into art by someone about their mother, and how their mother's similarities and age reassure them that things can work out for them. I now feel a certain amount of my personality - anyone's personality - is to say "I am different from you," which is something familiar to me from art. I have to say at some level, no I don't draw like Iain McCaig or Claire Wendling, I draw like me instead, but that is all right too.

Similarities are a passive assurance that I'm on the right track (I figured this out by studying my heroes and I trust it's worthwhile) so differences get really caught up with how this could be the WRONG direction. Driven home by being separated off to be bullied; driven home by catastrophizing; driven home by being handed dogmatism; worst of all, being driven home by being taught I am innately stupid, unlikable, evil, incompetent, ugly, etc SUCH THAT any different route I might take is doomed to failure.

And yet of course life isn't a toggle switch, again, there's no guarantee that if I zig instead of zag, wonderful friends and fabulous riches will follow. One example that comes to mind, when I found a list of Jewish Olympians and a not small number of them went from being literally the best athletes in the world to dying as traumatized prisoners in the 30s and 40s. Etc etc.

was thinking about the first noble truth

Essentially change will happen no matter what. Suffering will happen no matter what. I *am* going to age and die, my body *will* be or become what I would rather it not, a lot of both positive events and negative in my life would occur no matter what, because they're outside anything I control. My brain will connect up those two things to yield "change will bring suffering," the root of conservatism, which I know doesn't work on an external level far more than I know this is true internally.

Except some change "is supposed to" work, because of investment in ego. I would like to believe that I am good, smart, not a complete hack artist, etc, and that tries to make sense out of my effort and active suffering by saying it pays off.

For both a highly materialistic and highly moralistic society "pays off" is supposed to mean "considered good therefore valued fiscally therefore able to enjoy a high standard of living including independence." And yet as two examples, my expensive but never employed college education paid off in allowing me to build a much fuller personal life as well as be fairly happy despite the massive amount of depressive self-loathing I faced, those first years in Ann Arbor. My drawing has at best made me only a little money and recognition, but has also saved my life and I feel helped deal with PTSD at a physical level, given the connection of memory-making and spatial awareness.