Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

THE SCENE: It is the seventies and James Brown has contracted lycanthropy.

BROWN: Unh! Somebody help me! I'm burning up!
AUDIENCE: YEAHHHH!

BROWN: *convulses on stage, legs shifting digitigrade*
AUDIENCE: YEAAHH!

BROWN: I feel good! Awooooooo!
AUDIENCE: YEAAAAH!

Trying to tell myself that I'm not walking right back into basically the job I had in 2017.

Really; the abuse I faced in that position was intense enough that I thought about killing myself multiple times a day at some points that year, my usual rate of smoking went from one cigarette every 1-2 weeks to days when I'd have five cigarettes, and some triggers got so deeply entrenched that I am debating turning down a job offer simply because I got REMINDED of them.

Even though a lot of things feel different about this one, and I am better able to cope, that hit hard enough in such a short period of time I'm still really shaken.

has anyone yet sampled the wolf's "Pick it up" from The Last Wish and put it with a ska sample yet?

Buster's Big Opening https://youtu.be/20EB1GzqlJQ via @YouTube

around 3:20 the tone suddenly shifts from CHRISTMASTIME! to THIS IS MY BLESSING THIS IS MY CURSE WHO AM I I'M SPIDER MAN

basically someone managed to hit three or possibly four triggers within a 30 minute timespan, while I was already pretty fatigued.

I'm feeling a lot more stable than earlier, which was *bad*, but am seriously debating having an entire edible.

years ago, probably because I have neither interest nor aptitude in programming, I missed my chance to become a coder, which is unfortunate because that's one of the better ways for non-neurotypical folks to make money. And I have been paying for that mistake ever since.

Know what I hate about job hunting? It’s that if successful there’s no feeling of accomplishment. I haven’t gotten anything good, I’ve just staved off dying under a freeway on-ramp a little longer, it’s just a different group of people who’ll hurt me, a different someone else’s dream I get to grow. It’s like how every election feels futile, like it’s Dunkirk not VE Day.

The 13th Warrior Rejected Score - The Council https://youtu.be/uZHLoIGXzXc via @YouTube

oh wow, check this out, it sounds *very* Dead Can Dance!

Suddenly I realized why the AI stuff pissed me off so hardcore.

Pro AI arguments basically add up to "YOU PEOPLE are all rich powerful elitists, fuck your creators' rights, fuck your survival, you need to be brought down by something which happens to make me look awesome/save me money."

What marginalized group does that version of artists sound like to you?

psyching myself up for interview with "The Beserker at Stamford Bridge," "The Fire Dragon" from The Thirteenth Warrior, and of course, "Immigrant Song."

and a Hormel Deviled Ham Spread sandwich.

Singing "skrreeeeee!" along with the speaker feedback on the "Hormoaning" EP, which frankly I like more than Nevermind.

#drawings from months back inked today as practice. Larry Elmore inspired fighter vs armored ogre; dwarf musketeer vs vampire; a vampire and her dire wolves; dwarf wizard vs goblin wizard in walking throne with an imp familiar!

Learned hopelessness analogy;

Suppose moving forward in life is a bridge. Maybe it's a suspension bridge high over nothing, or it's a floating bridge bobbing up and down on a lake. That's a little intimidating, and then add in - the bridge narrows, there's wind or water moving it, and sometimes other people will barrel right by and make it sway scarily with their actions.

The worst, of course, is if someone intentionally tries to scare you by jumping up and down, such that afterwards eveyone who shakes the bridge parses as doing it intentionally.

Isn't hunkering down in place and not moving forward - or crawling forward as slowly and carefully as possible - a pretty reasonable response to stuff this scary? Which of course doesn't really help in the long run (you want to get off the bridge).

Let's say you can get to two grocery stores, and one has better products, and a better diversity, for cheaper - but it's further away. Once you have a bike, car or even sturdier bags to carry on the bus, you can save money and feel far healthier.

Maybe eating better helps you bike further, maybe saving money helps you get a car so getting there's no problem -- but if you don't get a bike, car, or sturdy bags through sheer luck you're stuck with the nearer store, which means you can't actually get those things. the crappy option *keeps* you locked into the crappier option for years.

okay, finished job hunting for another day, somehow.

Did some drawing first, and feel like I figured out a little more stuff. But Zeppelin's "That's the Way" is making me feel weepy, so I probably should close the laptop, get something more to eat, etc.

brief note of explanation; my Dad basically controlled music growing up (ie, he likes the good stuff, and we have an LP/CD player, why would I want to listen to anything else?). Consequently I grew up listening only to stuff he liked, or top 40s I happened to hear.

My Dad's taste in music is *only* classical (his parents stopped him from going to Juliard, etc), some folk rock, some jazz. So real limited, and I've been trying to explore music ever since I got out of there. But getting out of my comfort zone was real slow at first. I actually can credit my interest in visual art for finding some music I like; I wouldn't have known about Tom Waits without "Hellboy," I wouldn't have gotten interested in Tori without Tony Diterlizzi talking about her, I discovered Jethro Tull thanks to Iain McCaig obviously.

Other stuff has just been random luck. F'rex you'd expect that I'd fall in love with Oingo Boingo instantly (true), but because I'm not from SoCal or particularly Goth, I only found out about them thanks to my (NorCal) ex. I found Tinariwen thanks to YouTube recommendations. Etc.

We now return you to your typical range o' posts.

listenin' to Tori's "Little Earthquakes" album because someone reminded me it existed, and occasionally I need to indulge the part of my identity which is Jon the Somewhat Weepy Childhood Abuse Survivor.

There was a chunk of my life when my listening was almost completely RAtM, Tori Amos, NIN, and... uh... actually Rob Zombie and Tom Waits, too. I was kinda fucked up, y'think?

You know what I could go for?

Getting on the road and driving. Maybe a friend's with me, I'd like that a lot. Head south, maybe south and west and spend the night at a hotel or motel. Even though it's not a familiar room, it's clean and feels safe. Maybe there's a diner or something like that, after all the kinda junky food eaten while driving. Even though it's an adventure there's plenty of warmth, plenty of sunlight and food and soft bedding.

really *really* not looking forward to the temperatures dropping next week.