Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

Something making this harder is, I’m angrier about subtler injustices (I’ve read ~10 year olds get really upset about unfairness and there was a lot of trauma around then for me). Like I’m obviously going to be angry about surprise bills or TERFs showing up on my Twitter. But I’m also feeling more ADHD or general upset; my interests, personal space and time are officially unimportant, and stuff I don’t find fun or interesting, people who have no genuine interest in me, are all officially vital.

‘Course , this meant when there wasn’t someone around to tell me I was crap, I would be there to do it, when things sucked, and things sucked often.

The more practiced I get responding to stress with “this isn’t because I’m a shitty person,” the less I rely on counterproductive coping mechanism as response to harm or threat, the angrier I wind up feeling in response to the outside world. I’m then VERY tempted to go right back into self hate because I feel like an angry out of control monster.

Apparently this is one of the two parts of the book that really lodged in my brain. I’m thinking about this because the self hate which truly fucked with me for decades was a convenient reaction to shitty stuff happening to me; explained it, distracted me from discomfort, matched how I was told I was shitty, matched how I felt like an out of control monster while angry (about to come up again), and directed anger inwards where I wouldn’t be punished for it.

Remembering one of the first self help books I ever owned, now vanished in a move, Cheri Huber’s “There is Nothing Wrong with You.” It was literally reproduced handwritten/drawn pages. One talked about the origin of self hate and how you, the reader as a kid, naturally came to the conclusion that you must be doing something wrong otherwise the adults wouldn’t treat you this way, with a big drawing of a gong and the word MISTAKE! Plus an explanation that you wouldn’t have concluded anything else.

Completely the opposite of dark spin-off about traumatized kid getting to run around a huge mansion with Alfred being kind and encouraging, and the end of the story is he goes out and defends people not because he’s just a wreck but because he had these great experiences.

up early in the morning filking "Diggy Diggy Hole" to "Fucky Fucky Hole" about short bearded bear types using glory holes

naw, just kidding. I'm actually up with anxiety.

Metal Body https://youtu.be/ji2Rc9rL_co via @YouTube

this sounds so 90s, KEXP played this a while back

if I really felt it'd help much I'd try to join Kurt and Rob and Chris

she's there
in case I want at all
he's scared
because I want
she's there
in case I want at all
he's scared
because I want
all in all the clock is slow
six colored pictures all in a row
of a marigold

Let's talk about someone else
The steaming soup begins to melt
Nothing really bothers her
She just wants to love herself
I will move away from here
You won't be afraid of fear
No thought was put into this
I always knew to come like this
Things have never been so swell

panzerleichenwagen

Anyway here are some shitty drawings I did today related to shitty D&D because I like to pretend I’m an artist while I’m waiting to die.

At this point I might refuse transition out of sheer SPITE so that there’s a cis male actually an ally against literally some of the worst crap claiming to be human.

Frankly I’ve had it up to here with these nauseating little fash suck ups and if someone expresses TERFism within arms reach of me I am going to hit them. Non-violence is a mature conversation and you have it with beings deserving of non-violence.

Again I’m reminded that fucking transphobes are pretty close to fundamentalists and Nazis as far as people who would be completely shitty no matter what they espoused, and that if someone says they’re a “centrist,” they aren’t.

Resubmitted my appeal. I’m pissed off right now.

Apparently I need to resubmit my appeal to the dental insurance company. Apparently “denying a claim for routinely connected procedures and demanding money five months later is not timely” wasn’t a good argument.

Fuck you parasites.

Currently both feeling low self worth while also completely understanding it accomplishes nothing except screwing with my enjoyment of things.

While I was looking for coyote art I found this old old piece which honestly is one of my favorite or possibly the favorite piece of furry art I’ve ever done. Based off memories of Sword of the Phoenix, a seriously magical place.

While I was looking for any coyote themed art I’d done I found this really childish joke from a decade ago.