Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

I just want them to skip ahead to the part where they fire me. This is DEFINITELY not working for me and I don’t feel permitted to back out.

Back to “who the hell gave these people the right to trigger me and who the hell gave my Dad and teachers the right to install them?”

Still “get this thing right for which we gave you no specific instructions/have increased the difficulty on/will talk to you about what you should have done afterwards while you cannot get away or protest” even without the screaming is enough like childhood it’s not welcome. And discourages my studying.

And that was mock call 4, which I probably bombed because they threw a hitherto unaddressed issue, and I went over 2 minutes on hold because supervisors were unavailable, and I’m sure there’s more they will spot. That’s a downer but then, they’ve already soured me on working here.

And if for whatever reason the 4th graded call is brutally terrible; I didn’t have any weed last night and that could help tonight or tomorrow night if they act as i’m worried about.

Okay, gotta remember to try and depersonalize procedure phrased as personal (YOU did) criticisms in the event that it is possible to make these people happy (I’m not telepathic and don’t know for sure whether they’ve decided to fail me, since an asshole doesn’t need to be ntentionally hostile to be an asshole). And as a worst case I wash out and need to find different work, which I kinda want anyway.

Tldr version of what I *think* was up with my mental health yesterday was; although my emotional health has definitely improved a lot, I still have baggage about being set up to fail then being harangued for my mistakes by a superior adult, and the trainers here hit that hard and often enough that I got the tunnel vision and went right into all the associated “scripts” if that makes sense.

Bad night for sleep, brain trying to resolve yesterday in NOT childhood response and even without that there's still a spectacular amount of cortisol floating around.

So I put in for 10-15 jobs, not particularly involved applications but maybe it's good to get things started?

I’m sorry I’m such total shit. I thought I wasn’t and I was wrong about that.

Buttons really got pressed today and I apologize in advance that communication will be weird and stilted for a while.

Currently unable to focus

I’ve decided that the only sane response is to start looking for other jobs, and contact agencies as needed, this isn’t tenable and I do not think my current agency would listen to me

Should I eat anything during lunch? I’m worried about vomiting and my appetite is now gone but maybe having something would feel good?

I wish I were pretty I wish I were a good artist I wish G-d would be kind enough to let me die of something quick and blameless

If they toss me out then I don’t need to make money for these shitwipes.

This close to telling these assholes that if you don’t feel I can do this job please call my agency and ask them to pull me instead of just endlessly crapping on me.

Okay I didn’t quit nor completely flip my shit, and in only 2+ hours I can get a bento and THIS week they’ve got inarizushi, so yeah.

The book was full of lackluster monsters… who were shown dark, grimy, dangerous. Even the PCs looked grim in a way TSR’s art didn’t. It just was really something; thanks, wherever you are now.

The Fighting Fantasy books suggested, and if I’d then had access to White Dwarf it would have been clear, how Fiend Folio really blew me away. FF books were great so the pictures stood out less; by comparison Fiend Folio was ENTIRELY about those pictures. Without those illustrations the Dark Creepers, Grell, Crypt Thing and others would have been as memorable as the Gorbel, Jermelaine, or Gorilla Bear.