Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

Tonight’s #drawing didn’t entirely work, but it sure beats the bile I was gonna post.

the next lyric after "so have you got some idea/didn't think so, well I'll see ya/sayonara, sayonara/yaaaaonara, araaaaara, aaaaaaaa *koff koff*" are

a) ooo trigger happy! oooo, trigger happy!
b) sell the kids for food/weather changes mood

Last night’s #drawings include having finished reading a Ravenloft module.

Situations I encounter are likely to be a mix of;

1) I *am* smart, competent, pretty, loved, and wanted

2) I am *also* often stupid, inept or ignorant, ugly, or unwanted

3) there are places where who I am, or what I get right or wrong, doesn't especially matter; how safe and comfortable I am is pretty random, tangential.

So the follow up to that last post is "better judging each situation as I come to it, with the understanding that I'm carrying a LOT of observer bias"

What I'm noticing now is that combining natural tendencies (everything feels more frustrating/longer/sadder than it does to the people running the show) and bad personal experience (I've been *told* everything is crucial, that safety and comfort is all down to my performance rather than this largely arbitrary thing, and also that I've been *told* I'm a complete fuck up and someone out there honestly is out to get me -- and only a few intentionally malicious experiences give an impression of overall intent to harm);

every choice I make usually goes through a filter of self-doubt -- is this something I fucked up that's unforgivable? could this be the thing that I somehow do well enough to be safe for a bit, so it's ultra important I not fuck it up? -- but of course failure and success are usually big cumulative processes.

And this is where I have problems finding a "middle way;"

1) realistically and emotionally, I can't treat every possible fuck up as a dire portal to complete disaster

2) like fighting while off balance, amped up emotional intensity can make me more vulnerable to the next thing that "goes wrong" and that in turn keeps me more emotionally/fiscally vulnerable to the next thing after that, there *are* cumulative successive failures.

So where exactly is a good balance point between those two? (And, won't how important things are differ from moment to moment?)

... I swear this sounds stoned. I'm sober, just low on sleep and not great at expressing myself.

I've attempted to create an FCC account to leave a comment but their site is having problems validating new accounts rn

wanted to throw this out so people can potentially comment

https://darksky.org/news/two-satellite-proposals-threaten-the-night-sky-the-window-to-act-is-now/

I'm starting to feel that to stay sane, you should occasionally do REALLY STUPID NOSTALGIA.

Like, you know the 80s were wood panels and homophobia, 3e had huge flaws, you idealize the 90s because you were a kid, 2008's internet had horrific bullying, etc etc

But right now you need to set it aside and idealize A BETTER SIMPLER TIME. After the hangover clears up and you can say "yeah actually that was shit" again, you can also say "but this was good so I want to bring THIS back into the future."

Last night’s #drawing #furry #dnd

Oh and with all the journaling earlier today; I feel like it's emotionally useful to think through how my thought patterns have been shaped by neurodivergence and experience. If I can see what happened to me as subjective experience rather than objective fact, I can challenge it; my brain just worked in X way at Y time and thought Z, so now that it's no longer Y, I don't necessarily need to think Z, which was never actually true, just specious. If that makes sense.

Forgotten Realms watersports fanfic, featuring Pizzt Do’Urden

And, after college and into why a relatively few psychedelic trips worked, connects to feeling I challenge my assumptions and behaviors only in a sweet spot where it’s obvious those assumptions and behaviors aren’t working, AND everything’s NOT falling apart too fast to recalibrate

with whether “everything’s falling apart” really tied to how LONG I’ve lived with less certainty it’s all falling apart. Before 2008 I don’t think I considered that, at all!

Also now thinking about how non dualistic nuance has been a feature of my adult hobbies, something which literally didn’t exist in my mind before graduating college. I can be less than a perfectly skilled artist, martial artist or cook and still be better than utterly lousy and needing to give up if not required to do whatever by an external authority. Accepting that’s a skill I’ve literally spent 3 decades learning.

By this point I’m retraumatizing myself (everything fits to personal myths about lack of agency, a stuck, trapped, ill tempered comic villain) and being retraumatized (relationship, work especially narcissistic abuse in 2016-17, politics) during Erickson’s productivity stage.

Left feeling I’ve failed to build a family, career or community, so what’s left is death - but I don’t get it until more being someone else’s convenience unlike the GOOD people.

College is a break from this because classes fit more with ADHD. And… I graduate, nobody wants me except my parents who want their version of me, I’m vulnerable, and the tech boom assures me other people are what’s valued, safe and comfortable; it’s all the messages from high school and earlier amped to max volume. Learned helplessness settles in and stays essentially unchallenged until my first psychedelic trip in 2008.

All of this circles back to undiagnosed ADHD and PTSD. Nobody has ever told me being stuck and trapped is just how I feel due to my neurochemistry. When I get frustrated and melt down it’s always been because I’m an evil monster to be corrected by even more punishment (everything already feels like punishment). Which stacks with all the messages about being ugly, stupid, unwanted therefore endangered as shit I now unquestioningly believe.

So that reenforces ADHD, C/PTSD, more learned helplessness; I’m stuck and trapped because I’m too inept to get out thanks to my own actions- or even if I could it’s been decided that I’m supposed to be stuck, trapped, the villain role, unwanted except for my utility etc. As I’m starting to recover at the end of grade school, high school means isolation and social censure and really brings back all that right during Erickson’s identity development stage.

Looking at my history informed by Erickson’s Stages of Development and more ADHD knowledge. The accident happens when I’m 4-5, so Erickson’s guilt versus self determination. It gives me PTSD which amps up frustration and sets up CPTSD because now there’s no future if things go south, everything’s immediate. My Dad’s “tutoring,” gifted classes, the decision no students skip grades and behavioral classes happen during Erickson’s competency stage.

I had a couple of cans of black eyed peas which I was gonna cook for New Year's with cheap bacon but that didn't happen. So since I had some ham thawed I fried and seasoned that a little before adding beans (not dried so shorter cooking time), and put up some slaw and have fennel bulbs roasting rn.

Thinking about the whole Lost Cause/states' rights mythology.

There's really no way you can sell "middle and lower class people got themselves and their homes trashed so that rich people could *literally own other humans." But you CAN sell a heroic struggle for independence against [targets of regional prejudice]. And if you didn't win it's easier to sell something that doesn't exist as this idyllic situation (c'mon guys, by the end Confederate politics had become a weird pissing contest between Johnston and Davis - these are not folks who are going to usher in a bright new day for the south).

This could get rambly about slavery and African-American experience. A population who'd be horrified by the idea of *rich people literally owning and swapping humans* will accept *in theory there are ways to escape being poor let alone dead poor, even if realistically those options don't exist*. As a personal is political thing, this shifts the issue from a completely fucked up society to individual responsibility to somehow overcome stacked odds, Americans love that myth.

This is actually a subset of stuff I was thinking about, pretty cynically, but I should drop it rather than post about it.

this "lawrence whelk" show is just music for old people he doesn't use his radula or anything