Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

This was always difficult if you’re raised being told you’re stupid/ugly/undesirable/etc, and now instead of trying to pick up self love in your 20s, you’re less flexible because you have less energy and more things eating that.

If you aren’t okay with yourself at some level, you’ll be even more thrown off and either really spiral or protect your ego by becoming defensive about how younger folks are privileged slackers, *neither of which is a healthy take on the world*.

I’ve been thinking that radical self-love becomes even more urgent as you age. Being okay with yourself was always vital to emotional well being. But now instead of *just* beating yourself up by comparing yourself to others, those others are usually younger than you are. They’re awesome before they hit 30, like you were supposed to be but *weren’t* because your life doesn’t necessarily follow a script.

The Nutcracker Suite is objectively the best Christmas music ever because I can listen to it long after or before the holiday and go "this is nice" instead of "this makes me want to scream and run out." *nods*

#drawings today, #GoblinWeek or something. Goblinoids! Hobgoblin fighter, bugbear rogue, and goblin wizard with spider familiar (spells are on the little tablets attached to their garments).

I spend a lot of time worrying about being That Creepy Old Guy, Internet Expert Man, Caricaturish Rageaholic, or The Nerd Who Can’t Shut Up About Their Area of Expertise. AFAIK worrying about this doesn’t mean I don’t do it. Which worries me worse.

So I hit a bad patch on a bad day, and was able to acknowledge that’s all it was, and pull out of a really bad spiraling mood. 10 years ago this would have been impossible and 5 years ago it would have taken hours and time away from work if at all, so this is huge progress. Down side is I’m incredibly tired now.

I don’t want to do TTB paperwork *and* credit card statements. I don’t even want to go through the remainder of last month to ensure everything’s been fully invoiced. I want to go home and feel sad about cats or something.

It’s an actually slow day? Which stacks with burnout and missed sleep thanks to anxiety attack last night. I feel awful, and I sure don’t feel motivated to work on TTB stuff like my boss is eager for me to do. And of course the self hate has decided that now’s a fantastic time to inform me that I’m a shitty artist, also ugly and just terrible in all sorts of ways. Shut up, self hate. Nobody’s making you go out with me or w/e and I’d happily see you fuck off.

okay, the bathtub isn't draining at all, so I dumped more of the really heavy duty stuff into it, and promptly had some sort of anxiety ugh.

one of the many things that sucks about being Jewish is you never know when a fellow leftist is going to drop some sort of utterly horrific crap, nor when your ethnicity is proudly displayed by the most utterly vile right-wing stoolie. (At least the former apologized for being offensive AF; the latter's still in league with fucking Nazi collaborators.)

Lest you think all I make is potatoes, I also drew a little. Today's #drawing is more trying to be Wayne Reynolds. I mean, evil dwarves.

I basically made dinner in two parts; last night I made all these meatballs for the week, tonight I made a couple of potato things including these augmented mashed potatoes. So that's two nights running I got waaay too enthusiastic cooking when there just isn't time...

"Oh my folks drove it up here from Isla Sorna."
"You're kidding."
"I gotta be, Isla Sorna's an island. The point is you ask me what kinda big lizard I've got in my backyard."
"Uh... what sorta big lizard's in your backyard?"
"It's a bitchin' Camarasaurus."

no more PIE now
no more creme brulee
lay off the gravy and souflee
no more friiiiiiiiiies now
no ice cream parfait
mister cheese nachos stay away!
*jitterbugs*

What should I draw when I get off shift?
1. Ninja vs. samurai
2. Adventurer vs. displacer beast
3. Hunter/ranger encounters a wolf pack?

Oh no! Listening to Glass Onion reminded me of Volcano Girls and then I listened to a batch of Veruca Salt and now I want to smoke cigs, drink coffee and read the Men Seeking Men section of The Stranger.

Ha! So, George Harrison, you cleverly thought you could use your sitar to make me think about stuffing my face with dosas, sambhar and rava idli? I can’t eat as many gulab jamun as I would like, so I no longer get hungry for Indian stuff. At all. Even at lunchtime. Honest.

The last songs I’d memorized thanks to playing them repeatedly were “Rasputin” and “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins” and so this morning singing in the car the inevitable happened.

#drawing today is a dwarf cleric turning ghouls.

Anyway here’s where I went this morning. Forest photos.