Bus is hella crowded this morning. Listening to the Beatles, trying not to stew in my own resentment, mentally turning over having spent this week re-realizing stuff I figured out in therapy last year; I figure this is more process, emotionally internalizing that realization. Can talk more if you’re interested.
I really want to just draw, or watch Rampage, which has giant monsters. Giant monsters are always a plus.
@Leucrotta I'm interested!
Partly because I might do that too?
Especially the hard stuff. Big stuff. Good stuff, even. Some things need to be digested piecemeal, it seems. Which means I tend to forget revelations over time and need to 'rediscover' them. They tend to go faster with repeated rediscoveries. It all gets processed eventually, just some things need longer pauses before mouthfuls.
(damn cognitohazards...)
psych stuff
@Momentrabbit so the same way I am really vulnerable to feeling trapped, stuck and treading water, I got a lot of baggage about disaster at any time, well beyond anything I might’ve deserved. In the case of my parents and school life - and until I left for college that was pretty much my entire existence - some really bad interactions with others slammed that message deep into my brain.
psych stuff
@Momentrabbit The result is that when I feel self doubt or self hate, it’s 1 part sincere upset at myself to 4 parts concern others will disapprove of me, and I’ll be disproportionately punished in some way or another.
And there’s little nuance to this belief. Possibly because of how huge everything looked in my pre-18 life, it’s (so far) difficult for me to perceive any disappointment, disapproval or threat as anything other than a huge catastrophe.
If that makes sense?
psych stuff
@Leucrotta Sure does. In a safer environment, where a young you didn't have perfectly good reason to associate negative assessments with existential-level threats, you'd be able to take a little ego ding and just work through it or even ignore it. But given how things *did* go, I'm guessing it's ''disproportionate" fight-or-flight responses a lot?
As an aside: dammit. You didn't deserve that, growing up. Any of it. No kid does. ;.;
psych stuff
@Momentrabbit yeah. *everything* became a reason to be ridiculed for weeks or months at a time, trapped in one place, to have an angry adult harangue me or scream in my face, or to be shoved or punched, etc. there just weren’t minor mistakes in my childhood.
psych stuff
@Momentrabbit rationally it makes sense that emotional realizations need to be repeated to learn them, like anything else you learn. But *irrationally* I feel I’m “supposed to” learn any new material immediately, and that I’ll be judged poorly if I don’t.
This is ironic considering the context.
Here’s the more personal part; my psych issues mostly come out of a really hostile childhood which repeated and banged home all the negatives I got from a horrific accident.