https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HguRV6ONFwg
this song given my past, gods.
In light of everything I've gained...
In light of where I came from, what I survived, and to be HERE and THIS.
looking at my trauma and recover next to my identity exploration. Yeah, it's connected. of course it is, Vloe

I've been trying to recover from the ashes of my trauma... who I am and where I'm from.. trying to find the things that matter to me and cling onto them.
I lost everything. I lost -so- much and had -nothing-. When I lost my friends, my family, my LIFE, I had run from the things that made me inherently me.

The only things that no one can EVER take away from you. Who I am, Where I'm from. My sense of self and sense of place. I ran from them, so that when everything else fell I didn't even have myself to confide in. That's when I became plural. That's when we shattered. Gods, that's when we shattered...

I've been slowly rebuilding myself since then. Slowly , I made friends, I got out, I crawled inch by inch to a place where i could breath.
And then he raped me. My ex. I was traumatized all over again.
And I started crawling again. It's no wonder it took me -so- long to even get -here-. It's a miracle i even got here -at all-. How did I ever hang on?

part of me hung on to hope. hung on to every vague possibility that I may actually be This. That I may be nonhuman and.. all that I am now. That there was the vaguest of possibilities that it could be true...
and that feeling got me through. That hope was enough of who I am and where I'm from to give me something to live for. to survive for, to push for and to HEAL for.

I finally feel like I can see a bit of HOW I am so hard on myself, expecting to work as complete as another person when I've been shattered so. Gods it's now wonder I need.. compassion. and even when I could never see it, even when I am depressed and miserable wishing I could do more, You all have seen what I couldn't. How badly I needed security and healing and love

Here I always was fooled into thinking Healing was this respawn timer ticking away until the moment I become Whole again.
But I needed time, I needed love, and I needed to find myself again. to believe in myself again.
I could -never- see it. But my lovers.. my friends.. I know you do see it. You always believed I could heal and that I deserved it, even when I couldn't see it.