The only things that no one can EVER take away from you. Who I am, Where I'm from. My sense of self and sense of place. I ran from them, so that when everything else fell I didn't even have myself to confide in. That's when I became plural. That's when we shattered. Gods, that's when we shattered...

I've been slowly rebuilding myself since then. Slowly , I made friends, I got out, I crawled inch by inch to a place where i could breath.
And then he raped me. My ex. I was traumatized all over again.
And I started crawling again. It's no wonder it took me -so- long to even get -here-. It's a miracle i even got here -at all-. How did I ever hang on?

part of me hung on to hope. hung on to every vague possibility that I may actually be This. That I may be nonhuman and.. all that I am now. That there was the vaguest of possibilities that it could be true...
and that feeling got me through. That hope was enough of who I am and where I'm from to give me something to live for. to survive for, to push for and to HEAL for.

I finally feel like I can see a bit of HOW I am so hard on myself, expecting to work as complete as another person when I've been shattered so. Gods it's now wonder I need.. compassion. and even when I could never see it, even when I am depressed and miserable wishing I could do more, You all have seen what I couldn't. How badly I needed security and healing and love

Here I always was fooled into thinking Healing was this respawn timer ticking away until the moment I become Whole again.
But I needed time, I needed love, and I needed to find myself again. to believe in myself again.
I could -never- see it. But my lovers.. my friends.. I know you do see it. You always believed I could heal and that I deserved it, even when I couldn't see it.

So this is why It was so important for me to get out. To move across the entire country and risk so much to start new. I did risk so much by doing this, and no wonder this ended up being harder than I expected when it was me -choosing- something that could put me in that sort of risk again.
This is what I needed to heal. This is what I needed to truly be Myself again.
*meek grin* and -I- thought it would be easy

I'm good. this is all positive, I just... Wow, perspective is a hell of a thing.

It's no wonder moving here turned out to be harder than I expected and full of re-dealing with traumas.

"Because the last time I let myself feel this way
It was a long, long time ago
And now we get so scared, and we get so scared
To be nowhere left alone

Because it's now or never now"

@Oneironott Also familiar. I keep hoping recovery will be a toggle switch, that I'll have [moved cross-country/did therapy/did acid/had several weeks of intense revelations/etc] and boom, that's it, I'm happier, more rational, and basically neurotypical forevermore.

@Oneironott *squeezes ever so tightly*

@Oneironott *Hugs very softly*