I had a dream about them. I had an argument with Jessie and left Kristy a question about where I stood, and got back a lengthy message telling me I was still loved and valid, and explaining exactly what had happened at length-- the exact opposite pairing it actually happened with, with the exact opposite result.

Clearly some part of my subconscious still thinks some kind of good resolution is possible from them someday. I guess I have to work harder to disabuse it of that notion.

It's all right, sort of. I've run the math in my head a thousand times. There's no way of recovering from this. In every single scenario, it looks like either I did something unforgivable or they did. There's no away around it.

And they did me a big favor. I was stuck in a rut there, feeling superfluous and unreal, lonely every day among four other people. I miss them and it's lonely here outside the stream of Big Group Furry Socialization. But I did not thrive there all alone.

@zebratron2084 TBH it kinda felt like you weren't really present during my stay. That was one reason why I always tried to be warm and welcoming when I saw you (or at least tried to be, heaven knows my entire being was stuck in fight-or-flight trauma responses pretty much the first whole year I was there, thanks to the baggage I brought in with me, and I know I botched quite a few interactions during that time).

Huh. Parenthetical is longer than the rest of the statement.