Cristobal C.
Seriously. Columbus gets this idea how he can do math better than anybody else in the past and calculates the Earth's circumference to be _stupidly_ small. Goes to two ignorant monarchs flush with cash from purging the Moors from Spain and is all like "hey, want to give some boats and I'll sail to the spices and do lots of trade?" and they're like "Sure, we like money, but isn't Earth bigger?" And CC is like, "I promise not to sail off and die of starvation because I can't do math"
Cristobal C.
The ONLY REASON he does not send three shipfuls of sailors to die in the middle of the ocean is that the New World is there. Really. Otherwise, he would have sailed off into nothing and died and maybe been a mystery for the ages.
"Hey, what happened to that jackass who fucked up his math?"
"Oh, he died at sea somewhere, who cares."
"Pity there wasn't a giant landmass in the way."
"I guess."
Cristobal C.
Like, EVERYBODY knew the circumference of the world (and that it was round, don't get me started). Eratosthenes figured this out. Aristotle wrote about it, and he was the main source of wisdom about that kind of thing for AGES. WE KNEW HOW BIG THE WORLD WAS.
Columbus is like, "Hey, I think this is about 4km from the Canary Islands to The Place Where The Spice Trade is At."
It's 20 km.
Fucker messed up by a factor of five. AND EVERYBODY INVOLVED SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.
Cristobal C.
So right on time, because there's some islands there, CC strikes land instead of stumbling around starving in the middle of the Atlantic. And there's people on them.
Goddamn.
He sees gold jewelry on some of the natives and is like, "Whoa, these guys have valuables. Guess they're not people in my eyes anymore!"
And promptly captures them and insists they bring him to their secret gold stash.
Not to like, set a precedent or anything.
Cristobal C.
When eventually he's put in charge of an actual outpost in Hispaniola, CC turns into a complete monster. Mutilating the natives is the order of the day. There's a lot of rape.
He fucks up so bad that Ferdinand and Isabelle are like "Jesus, what a fuckwit" and have him arrested, carted back over the Atlantic, and jailed.
I mean, he gets let go later, and gets another voyage, but at least they don't let him be in charge on land anymore.
He ship gets beached and he's stranded.
Cristobal C.
But because this shithole bought Luck at character generation, while he's stuck on Jamaica and nobody in Hispaniola wants to help because SEE HIS ENTIRE HISTORY UP TO THIS POINT, he manages to pull the Eclipse trick on the natives to convince them to keep feeding him and his men.
It's actually a lunar eclipse, not a solar one - he tells everybody that his god will turn the moon blood red a couple of days from now. This is maybe the only time in history this trick actually works.
Cristobal C.
@Soreth Huh. I didn't know this part of the story.
@starkatt Yup, pretty much every usage of the "impress the natives with an eclipse" trope in fiction emerges directly from this event.
yay.
Cristobal C.
In conclusion: What a shithead.
There's no legacy here that I want to celebrate.