Poly troubles
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only queer person who isn't constantly overflowing with compersion.
I want my hypothetical partners to be hypothetically happy, however and with whomever they want. But in practice I dislike actually seeing or imagining this. Intellectually I like the idea, but not in actuality.
I have to put up a lot of emotional distance between a partner and myself in order to feel "okay" with polyamory, and I don't know how healthy that is in the long term.
Poly troubles
Anyway, I feel like a No Good Very Bad Queer because I struggle with the poly ideals our community cherishes.
Poly troubles
It's a little more complicated than that. I sort of answered this in my reply to someone else. Here it is, in case you aren't mutuals:
Poly troubles
"It's definitely a struggle. Like, my conclusion from all this isn't "okay, I'll just be monogamous, problem solved."
It's like... I want everyone to be happy and cuddly and share affection. I want people to have their needs met and share experiences.
But imagining people I like with other folks *also* sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable and territorial. Or I'll notice myself unconsciously distancing myself when they date someone else, to avoid hurt."
Poly troubles
That does make some sense. I guess I struggle to figure out what my "place" is, ie why I'm particularly beneficial to someone, and feel okay with knowing the truth
Poly troubles
Thank you, I appreciate that. I'm more confident online (for reasons that a lot of us are), but in general I also think of myself as being that way on good days.
Obviously everyone is complicated and contradictory, and can be nervous, needy, confident, and calm all at different times. I do really appreciate your perspective though, and you taking your time to share it. :)
Poly troubles
@Fenreliania
It's as though my unconscious conclusion is, "okay, I don't want to fight for you, because I know I'm not going to win. I'm not going to hold up against people who are louder, more outgoing, more clever. So they can have you." and then I begin to cut my heart away.