Poly troubles
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only queer person who isn't constantly overflowing with compersion.
I want my hypothetical partners to be hypothetically happy, however and with whomever they want. But in practice I dislike actually seeing or imagining this. Intellectually I like the idea, but not in actuality.
I have to put up a lot of emotional distance between a partner and myself in order to feel "okay" with polyamory, and I don't know how healthy that is in the long term.
Poly troubles
Anyway, I feel like a No Good Very Bad Queer because I struggle with the poly ideals our community cherishes.
Poly troubles
It's a little more complicated than that. I sort of answered this in my reply to someone else. Here it is, in case you aren't mutuals:
Poly troubles
"It's definitely a struggle. Like, my conclusion from all this isn't "okay, I'll just be monogamous, problem solved."
It's like... I want everyone to be happy and cuddly and share affection. I want people to have their needs met and share experiences.
But imagining people I like with other folks *also* sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable and territorial. Or I'll notice myself unconsciously distancing myself when they date someone else, to avoid hurt."
Poly troubles
It's as though my unconscious conclusion is, "okay, I don't want to fight for you, because I know I'm not going to win. I'm not going to hold up against people who are louder, more outgoing, more clever. So they can have you." and then I begin to cut my heart away.
Poly troubles
That does make some sense. I guess I struggle to figure out what my "place" is, ie why I'm particularly beneficial to someone, and feel okay with knowing the truth
Poly troubles
Thank you, I appreciate that. I'm more confident online (for reasons that a lot of us are), but in general I also think of myself as being that way on good days.
Obviously everyone is complicated and contradictory, and can be nervous, needy, confident, and calm all at different times. I do really appreciate your perspective though, and you taking your time to share it. :)
