Sparrow 🐦 @Sparrow@awoo.space

I think... it is time... for this bird to fold up their wings and go to bed.

Night pals! It's been fun talking with everyone tonight. Rest well. <3

@Noelle808@witches.town

"This is Kevin."

Fuck off, Kevin.

I'm honestly really thankful right now for the supportive, nuanced & mature conversations I've been able to have on masto. It's a real step up from what I've experienced on a lot of other platforms, and I'm really glad I have this network of folks I can talk to.

@Fenreliania

Thank you, I appreciate that. I'm more confident online (for reasons that a lot of us are), but in general I also think of myself as being that way on good days.

Obviously everyone is complicated and contradictory, and can be nervous, needy, confident, and calm all at different times. I do really appreciate your perspective though, and you taking your time to share it. :)

I do have a Shadow Self, and their name is Echo.

I think a big part of growing up for me is learning that Echo is a valid part of me. They deserve love and understanding (from me), but also don't get to run the show.

Just to be clear, this is what I'm seeing at the moment, in this particular "bein' hard on myself" mood that I'm in.

I'm sure there are pleasant things about me too (I know I can be cute and charming in a dorkily endearing way), but this stuff is also true, even if it's at a more "deep down, uncomfortable shadow self" kinda level.

@Noelle808@witches.town

Ooh yeah, that's relatable. I'm like that too. *nodnod*

@Fenreliania

That does make some sense. I guess I struggle to figure out what my "place" is, ie why I'm particularly beneficial to someone, and feel okay with knowing the truth

The truth (to me) is that I have very little respect for myself, and until I fix that and learn to genuinely love things about myself, I'm going to be bewildered when someone else claims to love me.

In my experience, people like me around because:

- I put off a "naive" and easily-impressed energy
- I'm a hard worker
- I like to please people, & if you're a critical type I'll want to impress you
- I go out of my way to help
- I can be easily guilted

@Fenreliania

It's as though my unconscious conclusion is, "okay, I don't want to fight for you, because I know I'm not going to win. I'm not going to hold up against people who are louder, more outgoing, more clever. So they can have you." and then I begin to cut my heart away.

@Noelle808@witches.town

It's as though my unconscious conclusion is, "okay, I don't want to fight for you, because I know I'm not going to win. I'm not going to hold up against people who are louder, more outgoing, more clever. So they can have you." and then I begin to cut my heart away.

@Fenreliania

"It's definitely a struggle. Like, my conclusion from all this isn't "okay, I'll just be monogamous, problem solved."

It's like... I want everyone to be happy and cuddly and share affection. I want people to have their needs met and share experiences.

But imagining people I like with other folks *also* sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable and territorial. Or I'll notice myself unconsciously distancing myself when they date someone else, to avoid hurt."

@Fenreliania

It's a little more complicated than that. I sort of answered this in my reply to someone else. Here it is, in case you aren't mutuals:

@Noelle808@witches.town

*Nods*

But it's definitely a struggle. Like, my conclusion from all this isn't "okay, I'll just be monogamous, problem solved."

It's like... I want everyone to be happy and cuddly and share affection. I want people to have their needs met and share experiences.

But imagining people I like with other folks *also* sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable and territorial. Or I'll notice myself unconsciously distancing myself when they date someone else, to avoid hurt.

Anyway, I feel like a No Good Very Bad Queer because I struggle with the poly ideals our community cherishes.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only queer person who isn't constantly overflowing with compersion.

I want my hypothetical partners to be hypothetically happy, however and with whomever they want. But in practice I dislike actually seeing or imagining this. Intellectually I like the idea, but not in actuality.

I have to put up a lot of emotional distance between a partner and myself in order to feel "okay" with polyamory, and I don't know how healthy that is in the long term.

Okay, just finished the first season of "Dark", and yes, it's very good.

If you don't believe me, here's a convincing review:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/on-demand/0/german-sci-fi-mystery-far-spookier-stranger-things-dark-netflix/

WOW the more I watch this, the more I realize Hannah is a major piece of work.

Like initially: "oh she's kinda shitty"

Later: "WOW is she a piece of shit"

@gamehawk

Yikes :/

@subunitA

Aww, thank you.