Sparrow 🐦 @Sparrow@awoo.space

So I went to bed last night after having had a few critical, but ultimately helpful insights.

Then I have a series of dreams wherein I have unexpectedly gained a lot of weight.

It's like my sub conscious is saying: "Those insights? Yeah, that's all well and good, but what you're *really* scared of is getting fat."

Grow up, subconscious.

I think... it is time... for this bird to fold up their wings and go to bed.

Night pals! It's been fun talking with everyone tonight. Rest well. <3

I'm honestly really thankful right now for the supportive, nuanced & mature conversations I've been able to have on masto. It's a real step up from what I've experienced on a lot of other platforms, and I'm really glad I have this network of folks I can talk to.

I do have a Shadow Self, and their name is Echo.

I think a big part of growing up for me is learning that Echo is a valid part of me. They deserve love and understanding (from me), but also don't get to run the show.

Just to be clear, this is what I'm seeing at the moment, in this particular "bein' hard on myself" mood that I'm in.

I'm sure there are pleasant things about me too (I know I can be cute and charming in a dorkily endearing way), but this stuff is also true, even if it's at a more "deep down, uncomfortable shadow self" kinda level.

The truth (to me) is that I have very little respect for myself, and until I fix that and learn to genuinely love things about myself, I'm going to be bewildered when someone else claims to love me.

In my experience, people like me around because:

- I put off a "naive" and easily-impressed energy
- I'm a hard worker
- I like to please people, & if you're a critical type I'll want to impress you
- I go out of my way to help
- I can be easily guilted

Anyway, I feel like a No Good Very Bad Queer because I struggle with the poly ideals our community cherishes.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only queer person who isn't constantly overflowing with compersion.

I want my hypothetical partners to be hypothetically happy, however and with whomever they want. But in practice I dislike actually seeing or imagining this. Intellectually I like the idea, but not in actuality.

I have to put up a lot of emotional distance between a partner and myself in order to feel "okay" with polyamory, and I don't know how healthy that is in the long term.

Okay, just finished the first season of "Dark", and yes, it's very good.

If you don't believe me, here's a convincing review:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/on-demand/0/german-sci-fi-mystery-far-spookier-stranger-things-dark-netflix/

WOW the more I watch this, the more I realize Hannah is a major piece of work.

Like initially: "oh she's kinda shitty"

Later: "WOW is she a piece of shit"

Fwiw my ex is a fine and lovely person, just the whole "HEY THIS IS YOU A YEAR OLD, WEIRD HUH?" thing is a little disconcerting.

THANKS FACEBOOK for showing me cute pictures of my ex & I from a year ago, that's ~exactly~ what I want to see right now ><

Finally home after exactly 11 hours! I've been working & commuting almost nonstop from 7:40 am to 6:40 pm, just now.

Gonna watch Dark and eat cheezits, probably. Maybe do some healthy introspection, but mostly the former.

I feel a bit better today.

I watched some more of that cool show last night (Dark on Netflix) and must have slept better, because I feel rested today.

My client session yesterday was a little rough, but I'm still proud of myself because I did the best I could despite being under prepared. It can only go up from here!

Also I passed my competency assessment, which means I'm one step closer to becoming a registered behavior technician!

Ftr I'm not anti-tech

I'm just not gonna exchange matching "BFF" necklaces & honeymoon to Seattle with tech

Too much tech on the timeline

Goin' to bed

I haven't connected very well with my newest client yet and I feel a little defeated

Autocorrect: I see you typing "ballet". Did you mean "wallet"?
Me: aghhh fuck off, capitalism!!1