Veladynee Amaren @Veladynee@awoo.space

Maybe if I glare angrily enough at my code I'll scare it into working.

Since getting a lewd pooltoy pic of myself done my mood is just stuck permanently in pooltoy.

So, squeak!

Can't sleep, mind is lost in thoughts.

They aren't even negative thoughts, just lots of pondering the next steps forward, which right now is shelves of all things.

2 am deep thoughts about shelves. Maybe it's time to shelve these thoughts and get rest.

A friend's grandfather passed today, I have been giving them consoling as best I can.

What now follows is a ramble, read or not. Mostly a brain dump on the subject of death.

Death always reminds me that we're on a clock that's perpetually ticking, day by day. It's a clock I hate, and one I really, really want to race. To escape, to flee. To beat.

I've always been terrified of dying. I am otherkin and I believe I've died once, I have a very unfortunately vivid memory of the process -of- dying which I won't detail here... but while I believe in reincarnation, I do not dream of having it occur again. There's no telling where or what I'll end up as... And one key thing I learned is that you don't retain your memories, at least not very many of them.

More horrifyingly, to me, you don't retain entirely who you are. Each death you fade and become just a collection of memories and essentially a ghost in another mind.

I suppose I'm terrified of fading, over time to cease to exist, to just not... be. I don't want to go, and I don't want to end up just being a memory in someone else. The very thought of that is what truly scares me about dying.

I just want science to outpace the damn ticking clock that this biological body has, to come up with something better.

I am in so much pain right now it's glorious. Delirium is setting in. Waiting on prescription painkillers