Fayne, The Unfluffed @faynefluff@awoo.space

It’s quite amazing how quickly things can just slip and slide, honestly.

Three weeks ago I was generally doing fairly okay. A little in the rut of the status quo but that happens.

In three weeks I’ve managed to knock three or four major blows to that stability in most every direction and leave myself so stressed and exhausted that I can’t even sleep.

Now I’m saying hi to suicidal ideation again. Been a while since we’ve talked, tons of fun there.

Just fucking meh.

Just... fucking meh. What a wonderful start to the new year so far.

2020 can already go to hell.

Wheeeeeeeeeee. Things continue to spiral and suck. I’ve been so stressed out over the last couple weeks that I’m legit just falling apart. Can’t sleep; whole body sore; cold chills; guts twisted and churning; whole nine yards.

I’ve managed to fuck things up in multiple directions and I have no clue how to get out of it, much less in a way that meets my needs and desires. I legit just got taken out by the implication of someone I don’t even know having sex because I’m craving it that bad

Everything still fucking sucks. One day I’ll be able to actually make things work close to how I want. Maybe. It just... meh.

Everything just fucking sucks. Sigh.

I wasn’t expecting to start my ‘read more in 2020’ resolution with a handbook on poly relationships, but... this has been an interesting start to the year, hah.

Also reaaallllyyyyyyy feeling the need to pin someone down, bit and tug and growl hard into their ears, leave nice, heavy claw marks all over their back and a belly all full of my eggs.

I’ve spent the entire weekend plus today listening to wonderful music from a cute gay VN. This has been good~

I wonder if you scream into the void long and loud enough...

...does it scream back?

You know it’s pretty fucked when your initial reaction to ‘man I feel lonely and alone and like shit’ is ‘maybe I should log into work and distract myself that way’

Meh.

Those days when you’re just craving attention and there’s nobody around to give it to you :/

I hate that even three plus fucking years into transitioning I still hate my body and everything about it. Fuck everything, meh.

...Hell even going out and socializing at times feels like it’s engaging the wheels of what I -should- be doing above anything else.

And don’t get me wrong. I’m not unhappy with any of this. I’m in a good place. A better place than most people, honestly, and without much fear of losing it or having it taken from me. Just that odd niggle in the back of my head at times.

Guess I’m just odd at times. I know I’m really just shouting into the void, but...

...sometimes it just feels so oddly empty? I feel like at times I’ve assimilated so much of ‘mainstream’ tech culture. Put the time and effort into work and get the promotion and lean into advancement. Go to the gym and eat well so that you’re in shape and attractive. See a therapist once a week and try and deconstruct the oddness that is your head and behavior patterns...

Being occupied is... weird.

It’s an odd feeling. My life is busier than ever. I’m finally able to put the time and means forward to improving myself and it takes up my days. I’ve got a ‘career’ track job and trajectory at this point. I have plenty of opportunities to be with my partner and go out with friends and meet people and....

Wooo~ Lost 5” off of my waistline in the last month~

Also unsure what it says about me that I bought a professional quality soldering iron to assemble a gag gift for my partner’s birthday.

Also fucking hell how much life changes in three months. Whee~

Fucking gym is literal stick and ball torture. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.