green except too damn hot @green@awoo.space

I did not go to Pride! but I accomplished everything-1 that I set out to do today, +1 bonus thing that I hadn't planned on doing (because I took the wrong bus and figured why not), and I now have craft stuff to make a nifty thing with, if I ever get around to actually making it, as is usual. right now, though, it's WoW time. /dives

not going to trans pride today. as soon as I decided that my anxiety evaporated, which tells me it's the right choice for me. :] I need either more time to prepare myself, or a buddy to go/meet up with there, and I don't have either this year. next year, I'll definitely have at least one of those two, maybe both?

on the other claw, I do need to go do errands today. fortunately they're light ones. so I'm off for now, seeya later!

the anxiety is about--sun/heat, logistics of travel to a strange place at an unusual time, feeding myself, finances, will I know/be able to find anybody I know there--the usual stuff that keeps me from doing a lot of events, especially in summer. :P

if the metric is "do you want to do this because it sounds like fun" vs. "does the thought of doing this fill you with anxiety" then nope. :|

pondering plans today; weighing inclination/options for actually going to Pride for once.

anyway I wanted to vent about that this morning. vent over. :P

I've had other exes who have been bad for me for various reasons--most spectacularly the one I refer to as Assmonkey, without a speck of affection, but Assmonkey was a mean-spirited coward. these other two, the ones I've conflated in my mind, were actively evil. they enjoyed manipulating people, they loved being able to cause pain, they had no loyalty to anything but their own amusement and ego.

they set a standard of cruelty, and demand that anyone who wants to be their Special Friend display the same level. cutting down other Special Friends is fine; when it's just you and Special Friend, they'll actively participate in this, but in public they stand apart, either (overtly) ignoring the interactions or (subtly) lending support to one side or another, on their whim.

"you're better than everybody else because [characteristic]," they tell these people. multiple people at once, too; that's important, because the point of this isn't to cultivate a few special friends; it's to force people to compete with each other for attention and affection. IT IS A GAME FOR THEM. it's a blood sport for their amusement.

the two exes have blurred into each other to the point where they were both represented in one person in my dream last night. they were superficially physically similar, but more important, they both played the "be my friend" game.

to play that game, a person needs to be very charming, to set the bait. the more people *want* to be friends with them, the greater their power. then they pick the most interesting/useful people in their sphere of power and groom them.

I remember several things I dreamed about this morning--cutting my own hair, finding kittens and puppies, a knife in the Harry Potter universe that makes unhealable wounds because it "cuts the soul" (cool idea!)--but the one I want to talk about here a little bit is about two exes of mine, and why they were so incredibly damaging.

okay sleep now. gnight awoos.

I will also be thinking "thank jezus crisps I did not have kids" and I'm thinking that right now in fact

in a week I'll be thinking "JEZUS CRISPS THOSE FLEDGLING CROWS WILL NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP SO MUCH ANGRY KAZOO" but for now it's still cute. XD

I think I'm going to have to start shelling the peanuts for the crows--save the parents as much work as possible; the fledglings are starting to try to steal the peanuts in the shell and swallow them whole because IT'S FOOD DAMMIT, GIVE IT TO ME WHY AREN'T YOU GIVING IT TO ME NOW *very loud angry kazoo noises*

kakapo fursona I meant. also shut up