local cat with many beans @tenta@awoo.space

oh THAT'S what you meant. okay. not my cup of tea but again as long as you're having fun

the only good thing about thanksgiving is the pikachu balloon in the macy's parade

now i have refs for TWO (2) blog skeletons despite still not quite understanding how skeletons work

me: ok time to sleep
my heart: i think you mean time for palpitations
me: shit u rite

anyway now my spoons are in the negatives and i hate myself again so i'm going back to sleep maybe

hrrff i didn't even get a solid 20 mins of sleep, cat decided that it was Jump Everywhere time

(it's just hard for me to vent anywhere else bc there are people monitoring my discord/tumblr and keeping tabs on me but never actually talking to me)

anyway i guess i should sleep. sorry for dumping all that here, i'll probably delete it later

i think about the things that get said when people commit suicide

"oh they weren't showing signs" "they didn't reach out for help" etc

i've been showing signs and crying for help for literal years

anyway also, the thing that you don't get told too is that, if you don't start immediately showing signs that you're getting better, you get dropped like a hot potato and the cycle begins again

so its to the point where people offer to help and i just reject them outright

like.. i love my datemates a lot. i really do. but i'm bad for all of them. i won't be able to give them nice things, or help them when they need it. i can't even take care of myself.

it'd be better if i was dead honestly?? people would be sad but they'd get over it. i don't matter and never have. for most people i'm just pixels on a screen anyway

i watched a buzzfeed video that compared apartments in new york by their rent cost and even the cheapest one is better than the one i presently live in (with 3 other people) and now i’m just kinda drifting into a depressive spiral

i will NEVER EVER be able to live like that, not even in the cutesy 1.7k/mo studio apartment, because i'll never be able to get that kind of income on my own due to mental illness

i'm just a cute fat pet that nobody can afford to take care of

me lookin at all the programming / code / etc talk on the local feed every day

y'all are wizards

my new cat insists on waking me up at 5 in the morning every single day but he's just so lovably dumb i can't stay mad at him

24hr laundromats are a godsend

see you can't just give me a character sheet and say "okay give them a name and personality" because then you end up with a weretoad named "kier mett" and like 16 discord messages that are all me going ":yyy" at my own shitty joke

i remembered that i actually impulse bought the 3-day pass for pax south n i'm real excited now

cool adult life tips: if you use a carpet cleaner for the LOVE OF GOD remember to empty the dirty tank when you're done. don't do it a month later. don't

self-care is eating half a pound of pistachios in one sitting

in other news i just annihilated a totem pokemon + its teammate with a single underleveled magby