local cat with many beans @tenta@awoo.space

waiting for work training..... 😮

never mind the mood icons are Too Much

this app has mood icons wtf i love it

i figured out how to describe how i feel as an adult that has been dealing with suicidal thoughts since high school

i’m ten years past my expiration date

i drew my sona earlier, which is like... an extreme rarity bc i usually can't stand drawing myself in any shape or form

honestly if one more friend tells me "hey adopt this cat i'll pay for the spay/neuter/etc" i'm gonna tell them "okay do it right now" bc i'm really fucking tired of that promise falling through and me being too much of a good person to just put the cat back outside

i just like pokemon i didn't mean to alert the inflation fetish community

y'all are silly have a good day ok

oh THAT'S what you meant. okay. not my cup of tea but again as long as you're having fun

the only good thing about thanksgiving is the pikachu balloon in the macy's parade

now i have refs for TWO (2) blog skeletons despite still not quite understanding how skeletons work

me: ok time to sleep
my heart: i think you mean time for palpitations
me: shit u rite

anyway now my spoons are in the negatives and i hate myself again so i'm going back to sleep maybe

hrrff i didn't even get a solid 20 mins of sleep, cat decided that it was Jump Everywhere time

(it's just hard for me to vent anywhere else bc there are people monitoring my discord/tumblr and keeping tabs on me but never actually talking to me)

anyway i guess i should sleep. sorry for dumping all that here, i'll probably delete it later

i think about the things that get said when people commit suicide

"oh they weren't showing signs" "they didn't reach out for help" etc

i've been showing signs and crying for help for literal years

anyway also, the thing that you don't get told too is that, if you don't start immediately showing signs that you're getting better, you get dropped like a hot potato and the cycle begins again

so its to the point where people offer to help and i just reject them outright

like.. i love my datemates a lot. i really do. but i'm bad for all of them. i won't be able to give them nice things, or help them when they need it. i can't even take care of myself.

it'd be better if i was dead honestly?? people would be sad but they'd get over it. i don't matter and never have. for most people i'm just pixels on a screen anyway

i watched a buzzfeed video that compared apartments in new york by their rent cost and even the cheapest one is better than the one i presently live in (with 3 other people) and now i’m just kinda drifting into a depressive spiral

i will NEVER EVER be able to live like that, not even in the cutesy 1.7k/mo studio apartment, because i'll never be able to get that kind of income on my own due to mental illness

i'm just a cute fat pet that nobody can afford to take care of

me lookin at all the programming / code / etc talk on the local feed every day

y'all are wizards

my new cat insists on waking me up at 5 in the morning every single day but he's just so lovably dumb i can't stay mad at him