wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

today i:
- folded some towels
- filled out two forms
- felt bad
- slept
- ate junk

so instead i just post about it to internet strangers on fedi, feel bad, eat hot chip, and lie down and rot

i have a lot of thoughts and zero feedback vis a vis whether or not they make any sense at all

also i haven't gone to see my therapist for a while now and last time i texted him he didn't reply and now i don't wanna bother him and maybe i also don't wanna talk to him again regardless

wonderful combination of: weird sleep schedule, im the only one without a job, can't get myself to talk about feelings without a several hour lead up to it, and most of my friends not talking to me anymore

the mere knowledge that there exist people who are attractive, especially "more attractive than me", and that i can't ever hope to be wanted by, is enough to ruin my whole week

current spiraling ever deeper into self hatred session originally triggered by: a streaming app recommending a podcast where the picture has a good looking guy (presumably the host)

aaaaaand here i am once again convincing myself that i'm unworthy of or otherwise unable et cetera et cetera

i'm not really a good person. i'm not even nice tbh. and my difficult relationship with my own and others' physical appearances makes me feel like even more of an ass, especially on dating apps

my love language: touch and sex

my favorite method of self harm: comparing myself to better looking people and convincing myself i'm not worthy of or otherwise unable to ever experience touch and sex

the urge to feel less useless by giving away all my money to people who need it and actually want to stay alive

my therapist (who i haven't seen in quite a while now actually) always just kinda dismissed this thought when i'd bring it up, but i think it actually gives pretty good answers to a lot of questions he's asked me over the years that i'd never had a good answer for before

on the one hand it would explain:
1. a lot of weird conversational habits i have
2. my various hypersensitivities
3. my near constant feeling of miscommunication with nearly everyone except very few friends and family members
4. my hyperfixations
5. my creepiness (i.e. totally not understanding social cues) back in high school and maybe today too
6. masking: a thing i only recently learned has a name but that i've been doing for years and calling "pretending to be normal and hoping i don't weird others out"

on the other hand: i'm pretty sure the only definition of autism that's accepted in this country is the....,,, classical one, let's call it, and is usually reserved for children only for some reason???? so idk how to even check if i'm right??????

uhhhh you guys i think i might be autistic

(nicely circling back to my top two emotional needs: feeling healthy, and more importantly, feeling attractive)

also part of me feels like this is a bad use of my savings (cause who's to say this is actually urgent? i've been living with these pains for months now, what's a few more? don't i need that money for my future?) but i also think that maybe this is that future where i need money for an Important Thing such as for example the ability to use my hands and to work out

anyway it's much cheaper than i anticipated. like, more expensive than anything i'd buy rn, but cheap enough that i actually have the money

my previous mris were both done through public health but this time it's for something relatively urgent, and the public health system can get it done soonest in MARCH, and that's if i go all the way out to The South (~2.5h with public transit)

so i might have to spend some of my savings on getting this..... expedited

am i gonna have to pay for an mri out of pocket for the first time ever? maybe

fell asleep for three hours and woke up with new pains! this is fun