wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

i think i also said "enjoy" when he looked confused between me and the joint and then promptly went back to signing and gestures only 🙃

have a joint to a random honelesss person and he tried to hug me so i spoke(!!) with my voice(!!!) and said "aaaa!!!!! no way man aaaaa"

like,,,,,, when i go nonverbal it's obviously capital i Inconvenient, but does it actually indicate something Bad happened/is happening? or is that an external association i've built up on top of a mostly harmless thing my brain does sometimes?

ugh i want to understand the limits of this thing, i want to understand what causes it and what it means when it does/doesn't happen; but i have no way of finding out other than doing the single thing i am worst at: listening to myself

i managed to speak last night after an entire week without; but i think i'm nonverbal again today??? idk how this works i'm so confused

oh no all those men i slept with were right: i AM pupy!

@else also [Insert Product Name] For Men

@else evokes airport luggage tag for me

@else good luck 😬

they were all very good

i think i've seen more poodles in the less than one week i've been in the pnw than i have in my entire life leading up to it

it might be: unmasking. because:: by speaking when i don't want to, i am Hollywood Acting to make myself hopefully seem more neurotypical

it might be: masking. because:: i am trying to appease People Around Me, who i by default (due to years of conditioning) always assume don't want to hear any of what i have to say

i still haven't figured out if by not speaking i am unmasking, or just adding another layer of masking to the existing pile

obviously an excellent morning. i wanna die 😎👍

and new airport border control

maybe i need new friends and a new family 🙃

and what's up with me not speaking????? is this just the new normal? how am i going to communicate with my roommate? with my parents and grandparents who i hate for no discernible reason? with my friend i chicago who i'm going to see again? with border control at the airport?

so what do i do? do i move back in with my parents because getting a job again seems about as possible as flapping my hands to fly? do i keep getting and then quickly burning out of tech jobs again over and over just so i can pay extortionate rent? do i spend more and more of my life-savings/lucky-startup-selling-out-money just to maintain a status quo i'm not even sure i want anymore?

and should i even get diagnosed? i have no one to ask what/how much disability benefits The Institute for National Insurance hands out to autistic adults (and there's a good chance the answer is literally nothing) and in every context except disability benefits, an official diagnosis feels like something that can only hinder me?

how do i find a new therapist? or do i just go back to the previous one who felt judgy and annoyed with me all the time, because that's what i grew up with and it's the only way i know how to have a conversation?

something something unmasking? how the heck do i even begin to approach that, after constantly being conditioned by people around me (including family, and including people who i still consider to be "friends") to hide everything that's "weird" about me, for literally my entire life?

what is the profit of a person for all their work that they toil under the sun? a generation comes and a generation goes and yet the land still stands. the sun rises, the sun sets, and back to its place it goes to shine on. going south and turning north, round and round goes the wind, coming and going back again. all of the rivers flow out to sea, and yet the sea doesn't fill up. where the rivers go to, from there they go back again.

@else join the club we've got ableist self hate and an inadequate support network