wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

brb regretting everything i ever did

actually it's a really nice song go listen to it or sth idk or don't im not ur boss

anyway here's a spotify link

https://open.spotify.com/track/5JHgN8sWvcrG1u4rrk4yQM

current status: in bed listening to chava alberstein singing in yiddish about someone who died in the holocaust

i've been awake for less than an hour and already i can tell this day is going to be a my-brain-is-full-of-daggers-with-electricity-flowing-through-them kind of day

brilliant idea that will 10000% work and or spectacularly fail: training myself to wake up when my alarm rings, by replacing the thought "i wanna go back to sleep" with the thought "i don't want more nightmares"

and all of this is after waking up at noon-ish from 8 hours of nightmares

for context, my current swimming ability is equivalent to that of a brick; and my doctor and physiotherapist told me to swim because of my various orthopedic problems

the search itself is frustrating to the point of almost tears. don't wanna think about the lessons themselves if i ever actually find any within non-driving distance

looking for swimming lessons in the middle of a pandemic when i'm over 10 years old and high risk for covid and don't have a car challenge 2022

especially since i have to go out and stay out for several hours now

whatever it's not even *really* bad physically, i'm just depressed again so i'm a billion times more demotivated by moderate pains and frequent bathroom visits

like this - ie like i ate a pack of steel nails

whatever it was that i ate that made me feel like this, i regret eating it, as well as eating anything else ever more generally

but i can't. i have to go out and see a doctor (oh no) and then go to physiotherapy at the edge of town in car-centric-land. and take crowded covid-filled rush hour buses/trains to both those places and back

anyway what i wanna do today is lie down and rot

am i making sense? is my english slowly deteriorating from unuse? is everything in the world pointless? will my life forever remain an unremarkable mote of dust in a cold uncaring void of a universe?

waking up, doomscrolling through various human rights violations my country did and feeling numb; but then seeing a tweet about something bad that happened to a wolf and feeling sorry for it; and then i also get to feel bad for having no empathy towards humans, only fluffy predators

though you could argue the nightmares started when i first started dreaming at age 0 or whatever. but oh MAN those meds fucked me and my subconscious up

the nightmares originally started when i took some weird psychiatric medication last year, then got worse as i slowly stopped smoking weed, stayed the same when i stopped the weird psychiatric medication, and stayed mostly the same when i eventually started smoking weed again

i did things today and met family today but now all i wanna do is not exist; definitely not go to sleep and be trapped in nightmare land for 8 hours