wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

so i'm at a hospital in a foreign country

today i am: in pain in several different places, unable to speak or make eye contact, sleep deprived, afraid of every single food, hating every single aspect of myself and everyone else, hating myself for hating every single aspect etc, having trouble navigating terrible public transit, generally overwhelmed, wishing i was dead, and now as of sending this toot also crying

i've still got over an hour on this train and then a 30 minute bus and a who-knows-how-long walk/uber before i get to my hotel and i have no idea how i'll manage any of this,,, but one thing i've learned is that personally i can usually manage in most situations even if i don't know how (it's just energy intensive and stressful)

being in terrible pain and going to the bathroom 7477467 times while on a 6 hour train ride and thus both subjected to terrible bathrooms and unable to smoke weed: 0/10 would not recommend

today i am: in pain

fun fact before i had my medical license i almost never took any weed on israeli trains because of this

fun fact 2 yes this does create huge lines during rush hour

did you know? you have to go through a metal detector (and sometimes put your bag through an x ray) at every single train station in israel; and there is (or used to be?) an armed guard aboard every train in addition to the regular conductor; and there are definitely always more than 0 armed guards at every train station that's not closed;

so uhhhh, i guess, uh, cheer up, americans, it could be worse?........

usually, amtrak trains run late because the tracks are owned by private companies that aren't incentivized to play nice with the passenger trains and so deprioritize them in various ways

today, my amtrak train was late because we had to stop for ten whole minutes at some random ass town in the middle of nowhere so a "disorderly passenger" could be taken off the train by "law enforcement personnel", and that's 100% of the information i have about the incident

the only other dispensary i've been to in la was a place that i can only conclude is run by tom haverford and jean ralphio saperstein

dark, loud music, everyone yelling over the loud music, colorful flashing lights everywhere, branding intended for people who use the word swag unironically; and while there's nothing morally wrong or w/e with any of those things,,, the combination of all of them was a bit overwhelming

it was pretty much peak la area dispensary

rn i definitely dislike la, but after visiting some early-gentrification young-hipster places in downtown (gigantic bookstore in an old building, food market like the one in like every european city, dispensary that wasn't sensory hell and was run mostly by locals my age), i would hereby like to conjecture:

in the parallel universe where i was born and grew up in the la area (and still couldn't drive), i'd have loved-hated it in much the same way i love-hate the tlv area back home in our universe

generally i feel like la is extremely segregated, and the main way of enforcing that segregation is car dependency (and probably some aggressive policing that i just hadn't had the chance to see)

la is the exemplification of everything that's wrong with the usa. if you wanna make an american city, whatever you do, look at what la did, and do the exact opposite

i hate the bad parts of la because i don't wanna get robbed and i hate the good parts of la because i don't wanna be in a car dependent segregated community

neither warm NOR safe!!! you lied to me song!!!!!

yeah i'm ready to leave la right now haha 🙃 too bad i've got three more days here

1. i'm ok and physically in a different place now

2. i just got robbed(?) for the first time in my life by a mob of very angry teenagers. the damage: 2$ i had in my pocket, a small bottle of hand sanitizer, and lifelong trauma

are these nonverbal periods even real? am i making it up because i have a desperate hypochondriac need to self diagnose all the time? where is the line between being unable to talk and not wanting to talk? should i force myself to talk when i can but don't want to? what amount of inconvenience from non-talking justifies the inconvenience of forcing myself to talk?

i'm right on the edge of verbality rn where i can manage a few syllables at a time, especially when spoken to

laughed out loud thinking about an idea for a stupid music video edit, where it's titled something like "pov: the winner takes it all but you're nonverbal today"

and the video itself is the unmodified music video

it starts with that nice long piano intro,

and then after the first line ("i don't wanna talk") it just fades to black and ends

dude i'm sitting here wearing wolf ears, a bushy tail, and a collar from the pet store; you REALLY don't need to call me sir