wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

but the road there is long and frustrating, and i have no idea how to even begin looking for a new therapist now, much less one who actually has experience working with adult, masking autistics

reflecting on so many things in my past and present. feeling closer than ever to a breakthrough of some sort, as if my past trauma all has some connecting line through it that i am finally starting to recognize; and maybe, after this recognition, i could finally start to heal

yeah no everything's fine, totally fine, not speaking for almost a week straight is totally normal right?

need a yellow lanyard that says "NERVOUS DOG DO NOT PET"

no touch! only pet

man do i want a physical intimacy; a thing which i will currently accept from more or less 0 people in the world

also: skipping a meal means i skipped a dose of antibiotics,, so if there's an antibiotic resistant appendicitis pandemic in 2023, you guys'll all know who patient zero was

skipped a meal due to overstimulation and wanting to jump into the highway, but it got late and the only places open in portland that can do the one specific food i wanted (american breakfast at 12am basically) are both bar+diner places with loud rock music that are right next to each other

so i earplugged my ears with the extra small earplugs i bought earlier, took an uber (asked the uber driver to slow down by showing him a note on my phone) and went into the first one

i sat down, but no one came up and the bartender only made eye contact once and then went back to her conversation afterwards, i felt terrible for missing the mysterious cue that told everyone else how to order food, and went outside

smoked weed to calm down, and entered the place next to it (which i had to go to last night as well btw 🙃 because this city has negligible nightlife)

the waitress didn't know asl but i pointed at things on the menu and pantomimed scrambled eggs,,,,, and! i!! ordered!!!!! the food!!!!!!!!!!! hhhhhhhh

there
is
food
on
the way
hhhhhhdhshsisoapswkdhsaospdlwksbxjspaqpsjfheoeid

fine i guess i won't eat then

want....... death

"oh no this is too familiar. was there caffeine in anything i had today"

i need a plate and utensils for some of my food, and i know the hotel can supply that; but everyone downstairs was busy tending to a long line of people, so the only way to get stuff is........ a phone call

something something not ada compliant?

the hotel room is so quiet and contains no one but me

and like in a few minutes i usually get to 100% verbal and can keep going, but it takes some effort almost every time

almost every morning of my entire life i wake up nonverbal and speaking my first words of the day feels like trying to start an old timey lawnmower

wait.......... i can just,,,,,,,,,, choose not to speak now??????? 🥲🥲🥲🥲 fucking finally

today i had a full blown autistic meltdown/panic attack at the hospital; i fell down on the floor crying and couldn't speak or even open my eyes because of overstimulation

but i had a little notebook, and i was wise enough yesterday to write on the cover in permanent marker "can't speak (can hear)" and "i know a little asl"

so they got an asl interpreter via video chat! and so in the middle of a full blown panic/meltdown, i was actually able to communicate with the world by signing!!!!

i am so so so fucking glad i took the time to learn basic asl. literally saved me today

i am irreparably broken and i want to die