kink/pfaf but pretty losery and depressing, mh (----), half-assed and unactionable suicidal ideation
there was a day when i would have been so excited by the prospect of dressing up in one of these crazy garish shiny things
the fault is not with the design or designers, not a criticism; it's purely with me
it's all gone and i barely even feel it. i've lost so much of who i am.
i am here for peg and my mom and the cats and not a hell of a lot else. i wonder what it felt like to experience physical pleasure? i literally can not remember. that part of my brain has basically rotted out completely.
i wish sometimes there were a graceful way i could just leave quietly without hurting anyone i care about
https://twitter.com/karinKariwanz/status/1397729353861976067
mh (----) followup
sorry about that folks, i was feeling a little broken all day and then for some reason _that's_ what crashed me
it's a known issue. i've had a bad case of Martian Brain Flu all day. some part of me that knows better is terrified it's a permanent new effect of the covid vaccine on my mutant physiology. -__-
either way, there is definitely a brain chemistry issue going on and if i don't feel better in the morning i'll start the self-care checklist <3
and if i still don't feel better in a month i'll contact a doc or two, promise -- i don't really have the OPTION of going anywhere. cats/dragon/parents need me.
re: mh (----) followup
@zebratron2084 In all serious, might you actually be getting some sort of fucked up expression of survivor guilt after the vaccine? I know that totally fucked me up for most of a week.
re: mh (----) followup
@Leucrotta Nah, reasonable guess but not the sort of rut I tend to get into. *hug*
re: mh (----) followup; hypothetical cat peril; chronic health stuff
and i'm also suffering some emotional fallout from realizing that in the event of a severe hurricane that requires an evacuation... there's no fucking way we can evacuate six cats that all HATE being in carriers even for a 10 minute car trip, and the best we can do for them is give them big hugs before leave and pray real hard to Bast. I think that's fucking broken me too.
also it's really really really scary not being able to think straight again after years of whatever-the-fuck caused my chronic fatigue being in remission
if this is permanent it's probably goodbye, sorry -- though i'm at least somewhat reassured it's probably not. this ain't my first relapse scare by a long shot.