mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
I didn't know Oannablue, which makes me even more afraid this is going to come off as self-centered. Mostly, I'm just fucking angry all over again that they're lost and had to suffer, because it sounds like they were very good, and it all reminds me of my late brother Matt, who was also very good. Fuck cancer.
But all this love they're getting, I presume very rightly, is reminding me of how much I wanted to basically *be* them, the genderbendy wonder inspiring people to be weirder, who everybody loved because they were just so damn kind.
I set out sincerely wanting to be Fluttershy and wound up a Chrysalis. Just another selfish parasite and impostor, pretending to be one of the pretty perfect colorful ponies. And I got busted. And this is my fate. I'm lucky you didn't just freeze me in stone and be rid of me for good.
Between this and a well-meaning friend on Mastodon pushing the "Oh, even YOU can be trans, it's easy if you want it enough!" package on me...
Yeah. I just feel like I blew absolutely every legacy I've had and need to hide out forever from all the things i've fucked up. And I just feel like a big dumb hairy ugly lumbering guything mess.
If you've got a little love to spare for a dried-up old changeling, I could really use it today. *shakes the little coffee cup full of small-denomination hearts and tries not to let her fangs show as she smiles*
re: mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
There was this moment at Transliminal when there'd just been a big party and I got absolutely bathed in affection and we had a great conversation about all these big ideas, some of which were MY ideas and I just remember thinking, "Now. Now would be the perfect time. Just take me now, before I fuck all this up, and let everyone remember me like this, before they figure out the truth about you, that you're NOT trans and you're NOT kind and you're NOT a genius..."
And... yeah.
Yeah.
the important thing
I love y'all. This place has really felt like my last real Internet home and I'm glad you're all here. Can't and don't say it often enough.
re: mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
Your great legacy persists and you haven't lost any of the credit for it; you just aren't spinning at the center of it anymore. It's too big to have a center. In part, you got pushed out by people who seemed to believe too much that it needs a center. Do you deserve to have gotten more back from it, absolutely, but as long as you're around, you still can sometimes.
I didn't have what it takes to get close to you when you were at the center of everything, and I don't have what it takes to get closer to you as one fitful soul half-fleeing half-flung away from it, and I accept that, but you shaped my life in a big way and I might yet do something worthwhile someday.
re: mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
@zebratron2084 Beautiful people have friends. Ugly people need friends. 🤗
re: mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
So anyway. Moment of silence. Anna, it sounds like you could have taught me something. Maybe someone like you could help me find my way back someday. I hope... I hope you're somewhere, and it's infinitely weirder and kinder than this place. I'm sorry I only got to see you from a distance. It sounds like we were at least trying to play for the same team.