mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
I didn't know Oannablue, which makes me even more afraid this is going to come off as self-centered. Mostly, I'm just fucking angry all over again that they're lost and had to suffer, because it sounds like they were very good, and it all reminds me of my late brother Matt, who was also very good. Fuck cancer.
But all this love they're getting, I presume very rightly, is reminding me of how much I wanted to basically *be* them, the genderbendy wonder inspiring people to be weirder, who everybody loved because they were just so damn kind.
I set out sincerely wanting to be Fluttershy and wound up a Chrysalis. Just another selfish parasite and impostor, pretending to be one of the pretty perfect colorful ponies. And I got busted. And this is my fate. I'm lucky you didn't just freeze me in stone and be rid of me for good.
Between this and a well-meaning friend on Mastodon pushing the "Oh, even YOU can be trans, it's easy if you want it enough!" package on me...
Yeah. I just feel like I blew absolutely every legacy I've had and need to hide out forever from all the things i've fucked up. And I just feel like a big dumb hairy ugly lumbering guything mess.
If you've got a little love to spare for a dried-up old changeling, I could really use it today. *shakes the little coffee cup full of small-denomination hearts and tries not to let her fangs show as she smiles*
re: mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
So anyway. Moment of silence. Anna, it sounds like you could have taught me something. Maybe someone like you could help me find my way back someday. I hope... I hope you're somewhere, and it's infinitely weirder and kinder than this place. I'm sorry I only got to see you from a distance. It sounds like we were at least trying to play for the same team.
the important thing
I love y'all. This place has really felt like my last real Internet home and I'm glad you're all here. Can't and don't say it often enough.
re: mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
Your great legacy persists and you haven't lost any of the credit for it; you just aren't spinning at the center of it anymore. It's too big to have a center. In part, you got pushed out by people who seemed to believe too much that it needs a center. Do you deserve to have gotten more back from it, absolutely, but as long as you're around, you still can sometimes.
I didn't have what it takes to get close to you when you were at the center of everything, and I don't have what it takes to get closer to you as one fitful soul half-fleeing half-flung away from it, and I accept that, but you shaped my life in a big way and I might yet do something worthwhile someday.
re: mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
@zebratron2084 Beautiful people have friends. Ugly people need friends. 🤗
mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
@zebratron2084 I can say you've given *me* inspiration to try being weirder, and to show my weirder side. And that your discussions of how people have their weird lights nudged me to think of ways to encourage it in others.
I believe you've caused good, and will continue to cause good. If it's an imperfect or poorly-appreciated good, it's still better than what would have been without.
mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
@zebratron2084 Hokay, space bugga, let's do this:
If not for you and all the other visible weirdoes like you, I would not have taken the chances that I did at expressing my own weirdness. Any encouragement I got from y'all made me feel like less of a tourist and a poser, and got me to keep going further with how much of my mind I was willing to open up and display.
Heck, I was intimidated to all hell by you and the rest of the folks holding courte at the strange pantheon. I'm still guarded and introverted and nervous around folks, easily tripped up and prone to falling back into self-shame and embarrassed loathing when I get those hot flashes of "I don't belong here I shouldn't be here I need to run away"... none of us should ever feel that way, but can't turn that particular alarm off, entirely...
You're good. You're weird. You're a glorious mess. Folks are still feeling the vibrations that came from things you did, even if they don't know the origins... that's just time.
re: mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
@JulieSqveakaroo Aww, geez...</nelson_muntz> *blush*
<3
re: mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
@zebratron2084 I would like to give you a very big hug
re: mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
@zebratron2084 words hard today, the usual, but your friendship means a lot to me and knowing you has made my life better
I still remember the first time we met up. one of only a couple times in person, I wish it was much more. I realized afterward it was the first time I'd ever hung out with someone I considered smart and came away feeling better about myself, not worse. (and not because you didn't live up to expectations, quite the opposite!) I was so used to being talked down to by my dickhead nerd friends until I was tongue-tied and stupid. it's something I still deal with but knowing you was and is a huge influence against it
to say nothing of your influence on my art – you were easily in my top 3 artistic influences for my entire 20s, maybe THE biggest influence in the brief renaissance I had in 2010ish with Signal-23 et al. I'm still trying to rediscover my inspiration and I think part of why that's been such-
re: mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
@zebratron2084 -a problem is because that period of my life has been locked away in the trauma vaults for reasons including but not limited to a bad ex, a worse ex, and finally ending up in the psych ward, and the good that I got from you back then has been stuck in there too. I’m very recently starting to feel flickers of the old magic again and I think it’s because I’m just about able to mine the good stuff again (to recap: you are good stuff <3) without cringing from all the bad stuff.
so thank you. you’ve made a big chunk of my life (more than a third now!) weirder and more wonderful. ❤️
re: mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
@Sig that... wow... yeah, words hard here too but... thank you so much, you have no idea how much knowing all that means to me, just that i managed to actually help amid all the bumbling and guilt <3 i am suitably verklempt
re: mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
@Sig n_n; <3 <3 <3
re: mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
There was this moment at Transliminal when there'd just been a big party and I got absolutely bathed in affection and we had a great conversation about all these big ideas, some of which were MY ideas and I just remember thinking, "Now. Now would be the perfect time. Just take me now, before I fuck all this up, and let everyone remember me like this, before they figure out the truth about you, that you're NOT trans and you're NOT kind and you're NOT a genius..."
And... yeah.
Yeah.