mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
I didn't know Oannablue, which makes me even more afraid this is going to come off as self-centered. Mostly, I'm just fucking angry all over again that they're lost and had to suffer, because it sounds like they were very good, and it all reminds me of my late brother Matt, who was also very good. Fuck cancer.
But all this love they're getting, I presume very rightly, is reminding me of how much I wanted to basically *be* them, the genderbendy wonder inspiring people to be weirder, who everybody loved because they were just so damn kind.
I set out sincerely wanting to be Fluttershy and wound up a Chrysalis. Just another selfish parasite and impostor, pretending to be one of the pretty perfect colorful ponies. And I got busted. And this is my fate. I'm lucky you didn't just freeze me in stone and be rid of me for good.
Between this and a well-meaning friend on Mastodon pushing the "Oh, even YOU can be trans, it's easy if you want it enough!" package on me...
Yeah. I just feel like I blew absolutely every legacy I've had and need to hide out forever from all the things i've fucked up. And I just feel like a big dumb hairy ugly lumbering guything mess.
If you've got a little love to spare for a dried-up old changeling, I could really use it today. *shakes the little coffee cup full of small-denomination hearts and tries not to let her fangs show as she smiles*
mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
@zebratron2084 Hokay, space bugga, let's do this:
If not for you and all the other visible weirdoes like you, I would not have taken the chances that I did at expressing my own weirdness. Any encouragement I got from y'all made me feel like less of a tourist and a poser, and got me to keep going further with how much of my mind I was willing to open up and display.
Heck, I was intimidated to all hell by you and the rest of the folks holding courte at the strange pantheon. I'm still guarded and introverted and nervous around folks, easily tripped up and prone to falling back into self-shame and embarrassed loathing when I get those hot flashes of "I don't belong here I shouldn't be here I need to run away"... none of us should ever feel that way, but can't turn that particular alarm off, entirely...
You're good. You're weird. You're a glorious mess. Folks are still feeling the vibrations that came from things you did, even if they don't know the origins... that's just time.
re: mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
@JulieSqveakaroo Aww, geez...</nelson_muntz> *blush*
<3
