mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
I didn't know Oannablue, which makes me even more afraid this is going to come off as self-centered. Mostly, I'm just fucking angry all over again that they're lost and had to suffer, because it sounds like they were very good, and it all reminds me of my late brother Matt, who was also very good. Fuck cancer.
But all this love they're getting, I presume very rightly, is reminding me of how much I wanted to basically *be* them, the genderbendy wonder inspiring people to be weirder, who everybody loved because they were just so damn kind.
I set out sincerely wanting to be Fluttershy and wound up a Chrysalis. Just another selfish parasite and impostor, pretending to be one of the pretty perfect colorful ponies. And I got busted. And this is my fate. I'm lucky you didn't just freeze me in stone and be rid of me for good.
Between this and a well-meaning friend on Mastodon pushing the "Oh, even YOU can be trans, it's easy if you want it enough!" package on me...
Yeah. I just feel like I blew absolutely every legacy I've had and need to hide out forever from all the things i've fucked up. And I just feel like a big dumb hairy ugly lumbering guything mess.
If you've got a little love to spare for a dried-up old changeling, I could really use it today. *shakes the little coffee cup full of small-denomination hearts and tries not to let her fangs show as she smiles*
re: mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
@zebratron2084 I would like to give you a very big hug
re: mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
@zebratron2084 words hard today, the usual, but your friendship means a lot to me and knowing you has made my life better
I still remember the first time we met up. one of only a couple times in person, I wish it was much more. I realized afterward it was the first time I'd ever hung out with someone I considered smart and came away feeling better about myself, not worse. (and not because you didn't live up to expectations, quite the opposite!) I was so used to being talked down to by my dickhead nerd friends until I was tongue-tied and stupid. it's something I still deal with but knowing you was and is a huge influence against it
to say nothing of your influence on my art – you were easily in my top 3 artistic influences for my entire 20s, maybe THE biggest influence in the brief renaissance I had in 2010ish with Signal-23 et al. I'm still trying to rediscover my inspiration and I think part of why that's been such-
re: mood (--), mention of recent fandom death, gender issues
@zebratron2084 -a problem is because that period of my life has been locked away in the trauma vaults for reasons including but not limited to a bad ex, a worse ex, and finally ending up in the psych ward, and the good that I got from you back then has been stuck in there too. I’m very recently starting to feel flickers of the old magic again and I think it’s because I’m just about able to mine the good stuff again (to recap: you are good stuff <3) without cringing from all the bad stuff.
so thank you. you’ve made a big chunk of my life (more than a third now!) weirder and more wonderful. ❤️
