Welp, mom finally dropped the Poignance Bomb I was braced for. We talked about what happens if my stepdad doesn't make it through the year, which is not at all impossible.

Rough conversation. We talked about how many of his friends he's lost in the last few years, including my mom's brother, his own brother, his own dad, and his son/my brother Matt, who was an amazing kid and we all miss the shit out of. ;___;

And it hurt a lot, honestly, because... it's like... how do you tell your mom "YES OK BUT I KNEW THIS ALREADY BECAUSE I HAVE CHRONIC ANXIETY AND DEATH TRAUMA LEFT OVER FROM DAD SO UM I KINDA PONDER THESE THINGS 5-6 TIMES ON A NORMAL DAY."

It's funny, mom was back to full good humor 20 seconds after we finished talking, and that just makes me feel worse, because... god, it reminds me she just has to live immersed in this every day. And I feel powerless and horrible, all reminded that EVERY story on this miserable planet ends with a tragedy and I'm gonna lose EVERYONE someday.

I could use... anything. Anything. I'm reeling. I dunno. Anything you can offer.