So.
I fucked up really badly last night, and I have a shameful confession: I had gone off my depression meds for a very vain and stupid reason, and had convinced myself the couple of warning signs this was Really Not Okay were something I could manage.
I got into a series of conversations with my housemates that accidentally hit some real sensitive buttons, had a panic attack, and lashed out at myself in a way that was profoundly likely to alarm the people around me. -->
--> For a whole host of reasons, I don't disagree that it's time for me to move out. It hurts, but last night was the culmination of a lot of things that were not healthy for me. I'm feeling less self-destructive, and trying to see this as an opportunity now.
I'm dropping all grievances against my housemates; I can't see how anyone but me could really be responsible for this reaction to a couple of very minor arguments. I'm also going back on my meds IMMEDIATELY. -->
--> I did some muttering last night about drifting apart from the community, but I think that was born of abject terror I'll have to move to Ohio and give up *everything* I had. I don't think I can do this without you.
I'm begging you, please don't treat me like damaged goods. My reaction was due to an extremely foolish mistake in my personal braincare. I have a physical on Wednesday and will mention this all happened in hopes of getting a psych MD again. -->
--> I think I'm past being self-destructive over this, though I'm still terrified. I'm really not good at things like moving-- I've never once had to do anything like this by myself in my life-- and the borrowed stress of what MIGHT happen is wracking me.
I've accepted I need some serious brainwork and that Kristy and Jessie's reaction to my scary outburst of self-threats and random acting out was not at all unreasonable.
Now I'm going to need you folks more than ever. -->
--> Here in the morning after, I find myself wanting very badly to bounce back from this, regain everybody's respect, set myself up in living quarters where I finally feel comfortable and connected, and maybe find some of the self-sufficiency I couldn't find at Transliminal (not for anyone's lack of assistance.)
I can't do this if the voices telling me I've fucked everything and I'm worthless win. Please stay with me and help keep me sane. I promise nobody will be asked to choose sides.
@zebratron2084 I love you. 💜 I will be here for you to help you in any way I can.
@zebratron2084 Also, these posts seriously made me tear up at work and I just want to give you a huge bunch of hugs just for a start. 💜 💜 💜
@zebratron2084 I still want to be friends with you, and invite you to social stuff! I'll definitely try to keep in touch, in whatever way I can--here or Telegram, most likely.
I'm glad to hear that you acknowledge there's still brainwork to be done, and I really, honestly, hope you can find some ways of making improvements there. I'm sorry it's been so rough for you lately--regardless of whether it's self-inflicted or not.
*hugs* You'll be okay. There's no sides here. You're not an exile.
@zebratron2084 I'm not going anywhere, hon. *many hugs on offeR*