Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

Afterthoughts, though: some of you have been just amazing support over the years, especially in proportion to how well we've gotten to know each other.

Now that I've had time to ponder, no, I'm not scared of EVERYBODY. And usually, I'm chasing after the esteem of the wrong people, not the ones who have actually been there for me.

I'm so sorry about that, and that's one of the things on the list for Rez 2.0.

@kobi_lacroix "And I didn't say watch out for Karl Popper. I said watch out for Karl. He's about to pop you one. Get 'im, Karl!"

I'm just so tired of the social guessing games. I'm so tired of not knowing where I'm wanted and where I'm not. I'm so tired of never knowing if silence is just Seattle Freeze, someone drifting away from social media, or being done with me.

It sure didn't help to be told repeatedly by certain people that I'm fine, everything is fine, only to be told things were NOT indeed fine years later... and having the blade in my back be the first sign of it. >_<

I really don't know anymore. I'm skittish and afraid of... most of you, to be perfectly honest. I keep fighting the urge to run and hide, especially for fear of just redoubling someone's impression of me as a flake, someone who does this stuff for attention.

Honestly? I do it for the hope of some STABLE affection. It's not "oh my god, please invite me back." It's "it's safe over here in the dark and I can maybe wait it out until I get some clear signal from someone."

You can imagine what it was like for me in a household where, no matter how convinced I still am that everybody was doing the best available to them, the signals were NEVER clear.

And now, every time I go to talk to a friend, I'm just WAITING for that dead, awkward silence and another round of wondering if I should approach and try to be friendly, or take the hint and run screaming.

Right now? I'm dealing with it mostly by reverting to old version of myself, that dealt better with solitude. And taking refuge in Anthracite and her Zen-like draconic indifference to most of the stupid things I do. <3 <3 <3 And I'm petting more cats. And I'm learning love work and writing and stuff. And I've been persuading myself, "Well, you can always fade from social media, ghost everybody, and start a new life."

But dammit, I don't WANT to. I just want to feel secure and safe again, and not spend EVERY social interaction wondering "Is this person trying to give me secret 'fuck of' signals? If I haven't heard from you in three months, should I just assume I fucked something up and you hate me now?"

I miss you, I miss storytelling, I miss the old friends I lost (or at least, the old versions of them that are gone forever?), I miss being able to approach you with my head held high, and I miss that sense that I had a truly reliable source of Changeling Chow. *hangs head*

But I can't play these guessing games anymore. And I'm up for ANY suggestion for a way out.

Dammit, all I ever wanted to do was find some people to tell some stories to.

Weird perverted stories, granted. :D

And now I feel like fucking Caligula or something, this base, unstable creature who just let everything fall apart around him, and let his own crushing personality faults wreck something that used to have a shot at splendor.

Fuck it. "You heard the tigress, kids: Never try!"

@mmsword If it's not THAT recent, I probably already know. If it's that one, yeah, bad all around. :(

@mmsword Hoo boy. :)

@mmsword What's up? You and yours okay, hun? *hug*

@zx3 Oh, those are the BEST. *hug*

One of those days you've been laid so low that taking refuge in your day job sounds like a fantastic idea.

Took a major emotional blow today. Lost an acquaintance in the defense of something I once loved very very much. Now sitting here questioning the fundamental decency of myself, my community, and my works.

Don't wanna talk about it any further, but could use hugs and stuff.

“Two clichés make us laugh. A hundred clichés move us. For we sense dimly that the clichés are talking among themselves, and celebrating a reunion.” -- Umberto Eco, inadvertently addressing the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

@Aradia You're not foolin' anybody, hun. Come on. Show us the other eight...

Hey, comrades! I'm going toe-to-toe with a transphobic Actual Fascist on Reddit, and I'd like to drop some science on him.

There was something going around the queersci circles a while back about a lifeform that had seven sex-equivalents. I'm 99% sure that's what I read, but I can't turn it up. I don't think I have the science background to hit the right keywords.

Does anyone else know what I'm talking about here? If not, do you know of any other real-world life that has more than two reproductive sexes, or some other kind of non-binary system that would fuck with this little Aryan troglodyte's mind? O:)

If you're going to make a sweeping claim to dignity and legitimacy superior to that of transgender people, Step One is to *not* have the username "Dookiestain."

(Step Two is, of course, "at least know more about reproductive genetics than some dumb fucking spacecat." 😺​)

There is a gay bar here named the "700 Club."

I like this town.

@kobi_lacroix I mean, this could be instant celebrity for someone who did it right. (Whether that's encouragement or discouragement is up to you. ;) )

@troodon

I feel like such a mighty huntress now, thank you for tossing that my way. <3

Tell your local pronoun purist that Ben Jonson said they could fuck off and die THREE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-NINE YEARS ago.

SIX genders, baby.

(They probably won't know who Ben Jonson is, but YOU'LL know he was widely hailed as the 2nd most important dramatist in British history next to Shakespeare. So, yeah.)

no further commentary

https://goo.gl/maps/GcLHW1awfTb8Q8Tb8

@mmsword I mean, that's just good form. You know these things and that's why I respect you as a colleague. <3

@anthracite OH GOSH OH GOSH OH GOSH

Any idea which one? Sugarfoot? Tigress? You know every one of those kittens is a gonna have a nickname by the end of next week. <3 <3 <3