Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

update:

kittens are good

mama is good

auntie tigress is frazzled

i was not meant to care for another living being, i only have two care modes. one is "loving sarcasm" which is largely useless on cats and the other is "turbo fretting."

I don't care about this news item in the slightest except for being really amuse someone finally named something football-related "Fubo." Although I believe the proper spelling should be "Foobow."

You might as well name your streaming service "Sportsball." And if I had a few million dollars in investment capital, now that I think of it...

god i'd like to shoot a groyper

there are actually subsections of trump base i could forgive, and i don't think i could really bring myself to muster hatred let alone violence against all of them

but these smug memelord pieces of shit making the whole world like sixth-grade detention forever, they can just be escorted forcibly off the planet whenever is convenient. i can not WAIT for a bunch of them to discover civil insurrection is not like call of duty and get their asses handed to them.

Sugarfoot seems a little bored and SUPER clingy (though that might just be a little feline gratitude, NO THAT IS NOT AN OXYMORON 🐯​), but she and the peepers are doing well.

One of them did do the little gaspy thing I was worried about the other day, but now that I expected it and am not already stressed over other things... yeah, they're probably just learnibg to hiss or mew or something.

They do it 3-4 times, it comes out as a little "huff, huff, huff" and then they are absolutely normal. They seem to breathe 100% comfortably otherwise, and they both seem strong and a little feisty. I can't tell yet if they're gaining weight but... yeah, I don't have much trouble believing they'll both have their eyes open within the week.

Thanks to friends and family, we have so many towels, blankets, and baby wipes right now. We are armed to the teeth with kitten-wiping equipment. Bast bless us all, I suspect we're gonna need it. This is really happening. 🙀​

Fig. A: The Final (Pony)girl

RE: Last Related Boost:

"My wife!"</borat> 😻​

#SeraphPeens
#WriteItAHundredTimes
#AcrossTheSky
#InGossamerTeardrops
#SeraphPeens

I figure, what's the worst that can happen? We find out the new unicorn has a soul after all, we turn out to be the Bad Guys, and we get to find out what a plush unicorn Final Girl is capable of...

That sounds fucking awesome to be honest. And maybe we get a twist ending where Noelle's new body becomes a duplex and everybody gets along -- they are both unicorns after all...

@anthracite UPDATE: really wish I'd gotten a confirmation number after all that, but the operator reassured me several times that we were all set, and she actually seemed to have brain cells to rub together so I THINK that particular source of stress has been resolved for now!

@001zlnv @anthracite Fortunately after FOUR agonizing Kafkaesque trips through the worst phone queue I've ever been in, I got somebody suitably helpful and apologetic and it should be resolved!

I think my plans for Halloween this year are going to mainly revolve around enacting a plush horror film in my very own home.

You see, Noelle the Unicorn's current body has gotten very old and weary. The silver fabric has mostly rubbed off of her horn, she's all matted, and in general she's just not as perky as she was 15 years ago.

But.

We can rebuild her. We have the tools. We have the magickal technology. Most importantly, we have a freakin' enormous purple-pink stuffed unicorn for her spirit to inhabit. It's all going to be very Hereditary by way of the Care Bear Cousins. Everybody consents... and the unicorn came from a conservative-owned grocery store so we're pretty sure she was a soulless corporate product to start with.

Can anybody lend us a few Jacob's Ladders on short notice?

the kittens current status: patiently enduring me singing at them about "how to put some trout in the mouth" so i guess i've stopped worrying about them for now

also they are squeaky. yes little ones we have established you have lungs.

cats still rated as "very good"

thing 1 and thing 2 are resting and feeding comfortably-if-fussily, showing no signs of whatever respiratory thing i was fretting over yesterday

mama sugarfoot is bored to the point of undignified displays of affection but otherwise seems well

dragon is also bored to the point of undignified displays of affection but otherwise seems well. dragon has been sitting on back porch among too many cats and too many overripe papayas. she seemed to enjoy this considerably. she says rawr.

sadly shemp* however is still a big cute idiot, no progress on that front

*peg insists i correct this to his full name of Shempuel Shempington Shempy-Shomp. i fail to see how this really would help his situation though.

@kistaro So basically there are really cute, really taxonomically diverse mindworms. :)

oh incidentally the peepers seem to be doing just fine, haven't caught either of them breathing rough or making any odd noises or anything since earlier

they're both squirmy in what i presume is a good way, feeding and relatively quiet except for a very occasional squeak

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh

that is all

the cats are fine

nonetheless

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh

i have to learn how litterboxes work and how kittens poop

i have to figure out how to run the heater safely 'cause it's right in sugarfoot's room

we have to figure out how to keep stuff clean even though the laundromat's a ten minute walk away

someday i have to figure out how to get at LEAST three cats back and forth from a respectable vet and deal with their recovery

it's going to be okay, i just... this is a real weird time to have to up my adulthood game

@chandra @anthracite We are profoundly likely to take you up on that. <3 In the meantime we can take donations at egypt@urnash.com.

Our needs aren't that serious yet, presuming the kittens don't need any serious vet care, but we do want to get the whole clan vaccinated and fixed before the year's out, so we will definitely need help eventually. We are most grateful and to my astonishment so is Sugarfoot (who has been extremely gracious since this whole awkward deal was arranged) . <3

So one of the kittens started doing this thing where they let out a scary little hissy-wheezy-breath and their belly flutters like crazy for a few seconds.

They are absolutely right as rain after it happens and both Peg and my common sense feel strongly that this is just One Of Those Things Kittens Do in the process of learning how to operate a cat body.

So I suspect they are okay, but... this was just a little taste of the next couple of months. I am gonna be the worst helicopter parent. I'm so grateful for the offers of support, 'cause if one of these kittens so much as gets a proper case of the sniffles I'm probably gonna break down and take 'em to the vet.

I promised myself I wouldn't get too attached. I promised myself if it really came down to it I would accept these are not domestic cats and let nature take its course. That promise is probably not going to get fulfilled.

@anthracite @kistaro i am starting to seriously wonder how much it would cost to just lease a car for one month and try to get 'em all during that month...

it's been a stressful evening with 6 out of 8 cats in a household with one and a half litterboxes, a complex impromptu airlocking system to keep an aggro unsnipped male away from the next kittens, and multiple feline containment failures.

I am going to shut myself up in the back room while Peg shuts herself up in the front, with Sugarfoot and the newbs safely napping in the room in-between.

And I am going to get stoned beyond coherence.

@kistaro @anthracite sugarfoot has been expressing emotions that seem to be the closest feline analogue to gratitude and it's kinda making the whole thing worthwhile. she could not have picked two more bumbling excuses for kitten godparents but she definitely chose people willing to try