Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

@Oneironott I think that's exactly what we should be doing. Just go off and use what we learned.

The most important thing the Church of the Subgenius taught me is that it is absolutely VITAL to schism with your church as soon as you feel comfortable doing so. Any church that was worth attending in the first place will wish you luck as you go.

@Oneironott I mean, I'm so burnt out on social RP, I'm going it solo after a lifetime of being too ADD to focus on conventional writing.

So I definitely think you're on to something, and I'm glad the Next Gen is already thinking in terms of "OK, this is obviously winding down, what the hell do we do next?"

I feel so responsible for letting that energy dwindle, and responsible for so much of the drama that started separating us. I did what I could.

I keep trying to tell myself we're still big... it's just the Internet that's gotten small. (And increasingly hostile to Unreal things, which is a FUCKING TRAGIC reversal of the original spirit of the Net.)

Not to mention the question of "is it REALLY normal/OK/not hurting your opinion of me if I show up in your mentions now and then asking for emotional support?"

Everyone says yes. Not everybody actually _acts_ like it's OK in the moment. And I also don't know if my friends know the converse, which is that YOU ARE WELCOME TO IMPOSE ON ME IN THIS FASHION.

I wouldn't do it if I thought friends didn't have the general right to lean on each other. That is SUPPOSED to be reciprocated, and tbh, having my life degrade from "constantly being asked for chaplain services" to "nobody comes around anymore, guess I'll rake the chapel grounds again" has been really painful too...

Really? I just wanna see a goddamn scoresheet. I want to know if it's normal to have had this much drama in my life... if the ebb and flow of friendships over the years is normal or something wrong with me... if it's really possible (or even standard) for a well-intentioned person to fuck things up this badly.

I have no idea what par is. I've been stuck in the assumption that I basically did terribly with my 20s and 30s, managed to sabotage almost everything and everyone I cared about. But I've also been depressed long enough to know I can't trust *that* narrative, either.

I don't know. I'm so exhausted from not knowing. I just want to be patted on the head and told I'm all right... except that I don't trust THAT anymore either, and I'm (hopefully) done making people have to basically fight my inner demons for me.

I dunno. If anyone's reading any of this, thank you, it was genuinely not expected or required. I just have an awful lot of built-up emotional slag to dispose of somehow, and I really don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do with it.

@eredien Sure! Sorry we've been quiet but OH MY GOD MOVE.

Afterthoughts, though: some of you have been just amazing support over the years, especially in proportion to how well we've gotten to know each other.

Now that I've had time to ponder, no, I'm not scared of EVERYBODY. And usually, I'm chasing after the esteem of the wrong people, not the ones who have actually been there for me.

I'm so sorry about that, and that's one of the things on the list for Rez 2.0.

@kobi_lacroix "And I didn't say watch out for Karl Popper. I said watch out for Karl. He's about to pop you one. Get 'im, Karl!"

I'm just so tired of the social guessing games. I'm so tired of not knowing where I'm wanted and where I'm not. I'm so tired of never knowing if silence is just Seattle Freeze, someone drifting away from social media, or being done with me.

It sure didn't help to be told repeatedly by certain people that I'm fine, everything is fine, only to be told things were NOT indeed fine years later... and having the blade in my back be the first sign of it. >_<

I really don't know anymore. I'm skittish and afraid of... most of you, to be perfectly honest. I keep fighting the urge to run and hide, especially for fear of just redoubling someone's impression of me as a flake, someone who does this stuff for attention.

Honestly? I do it for the hope of some STABLE affection. It's not "oh my god, please invite me back." It's "it's safe over here in the dark and I can maybe wait it out until I get some clear signal from someone."

You can imagine what it was like for me in a household where, no matter how convinced I still am that everybody was doing the best available to them, the signals were NEVER clear.

And now, every time I go to talk to a friend, I'm just WAITING for that dead, awkward silence and another round of wondering if I should approach and try to be friendly, or take the hint and run screaming.

Right now? I'm dealing with it mostly by reverting to old version of myself, that dealt better with solitude. And taking refuge in Anthracite and her Zen-like draconic indifference to most of the stupid things I do. <3 <3 <3 And I'm petting more cats. And I'm learning love work and writing and stuff. And I've been persuading myself, "Well, you can always fade from social media, ghost everybody, and start a new life."

But dammit, I don't WANT to. I just want to feel secure and safe again, and not spend EVERY social interaction wondering "Is this person trying to give me secret 'fuck of' signals? If I haven't heard from you in three months, should I just assume I fucked something up and you hate me now?"

I miss you, I miss storytelling, I miss the old friends I lost (or at least, the old versions of them that are gone forever?), I miss being able to approach you with my head held high, and I miss that sense that I had a truly reliable source of Changeling Chow. *hangs head*

But I can't play these guessing games anymore. And I'm up for ANY suggestion for a way out.

Dammit, all I ever wanted to do was find some people to tell some stories to.

Weird perverted stories, granted. :D

And now I feel like fucking Caligula or something, this base, unstable creature who just let everything fall apart around him, and let his own crushing personality faults wreck something that used to have a shot at splendor.

Fuck it. "You heard the tigress, kids: Never try!"

@mmsword If it's not THAT recent, I probably already know. If it's that one, yeah, bad all around. :(

@mmsword Hoo boy. :)

@mmsword What's up? You and yours okay, hun? *hug*

@zx3 Oh, those are the BEST. *hug*

One of those days you've been laid so low that taking refuge in your day job sounds like a fantastic idea.

Took a major emotional blow today. Lost an acquaintance in the defense of something I once loved very very much. Now sitting here questioning the fundamental decency of myself, my community, and my works.

Don't wanna talk about it any further, but could use hugs and stuff.

“Two clichés make us laugh. A hundred clichés move us. For we sense dimly that the clichés are talking among themselves, and celebrating a reunion.” -- Umberto Eco, inadvertently addressing the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

@Aradia You're not foolin' anybody, hun. Come on. Show us the other eight...

Hey, comrades! I'm going toe-to-toe with a transphobic Actual Fascist on Reddit, and I'd like to drop some science on him.

There was something going around the queersci circles a while back about a lifeform that had seven sex-equivalents. I'm 99% sure that's what I read, but I can't turn it up. I don't think I have the science background to hit the right keywords.

Does anyone else know what I'm talking about here? If not, do you know of any other real-world life that has more than two reproductive sexes, or some other kind of non-binary system that would fuck with this little Aryan troglodyte's mind? O:)

If you're going to make a sweeping claim to dignity and legitimacy superior to that of transgender people, Step One is to *not* have the username "Dookiestain."

(Step Two is, of course, "at least know more about reproductive genetics than some dumb fucking spacecat." 😺​)

There is a gay bar here named the "700 Club."

I like this town.

@kobi_lacroix I mean, this could be instant celebrity for someone who did it right. (Whether that's encouragement or discouragement is up to you. ;) )