Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

All this probably wouldn't be much fun to actually PLAY in for very long. I could see it having some appeal for a little while, though, in kind of a "Brazil" meets "Edward Gorey" meets "Lonely Death Of Got-No-Legs Boy" meets "Homestuck" kind of way.

Mostly, the metaphysics of a world where NOTHING AT ALL is suited for human comfort or empowerment intrigues me. What, especially, could "0 Social" and "0 Spirit" even MEAN in actual practice?!

ZDD wouldn't be very interesting if it just remained barren desert. And Torg's rules don't prevent things from high axioms existing-- just from working properly. If you take an assault rifle into Aysle, the medieval fantasy realm, it won't turn into a crossbow; you'll just have a shitty gun that constantly jams...

So there could even be a small city there-- of terrible, broken, alienated human shells, going through the motions.

Or maybe Infocom's Bureaucracy.

It rains all the time, except when it should. The weather detects moods and maximizes inconvenience.

Clothing doesn't work-- it's always 50 degrees, too hot for jackets and too cold for shorts.

Other objects hate you too. Murphy's Law is basic physics. All language is slanted against you. Any attempt to share emotion with another sapient being ends in confusion, annoyance, and heartbreak.

All time in ZDD is solitary confinement.

So I've been kinda playing with the idea of a storygame RPG set there named "Crapsack." XD

I just can't take "Zone Dubbed Dol" all that seriously. The Torg developers didn't put a whole lot of thought into it, and gave NO insight whatsover into how such a world could even exist, let alone what it would be like to adventure there.

I keep wanting to imagine it as something out of The Good Place, where the very laws of physics are petty and annoying. XD

Well, there was a passing reference in one of the Torg newsletters to an area called "Zone Dubbed Dol," that had been created by a weird-science "reality bomb" from a pulp heroes reality. All four of its axioms were zero.

I couldn't find it in my archives, and they never really did anything further with it. But I've always wondered: what the hell would it be like there? No magic, no tech, no gods, no higher meaning... even basic social structures doomed to fail.

I guess I must be feeling better, since my brain has resumed converting angst to inspiration. :)

In this case, it's an obscure bit of canon from the Torg RPG, which was about our Earth being invaded by raiders from other realities. Each of these other realities had ratings called "axioms" which rated its tech, magic, social, and spiritual potential on a scale from 1 to 30. (e.g., "our" Earth was something like 21/7/23/9?)

(con't)

I have just single-handedly derailed a white nationalist 4channer's attempted "free speech" defense into a heated debate of the relative merits of Toto and Genesis.

I feel as though I have come back into some small measure of my true powers. XD

The mental storms have quieted down a bunch, and I can finally concentrate again. Thank you all for chatting and stuff, that's really all I needed.

I think I was just a little lonely-- Peg and I are getting along pretty well and having a great time, but seeing one cranky dragon day after day is not a full, healthy changeling diet.

Dammit, now I'm missing Dad.

I got all caught up thinking about how I get through the tough times, and how grateful I am that when I'm stripped absolutely bare, I have one defense left, and that's my sense of humor.

That is all Dad's. The SOB taught me my first dirty joke at, like, age six. In public. (The "Polish vasectomy joke." Don't inquire further. :> )

If there's anything about me you like, that's probably Thomas Frank B****** coming through me.

Thanks, Dad. You colossal ass. <3

A very kind interaction from a very dear old friend has reminded me of three things:

1) For better or worse, "Equestrian changeling" is probably the most accurate and representative species choice I've ever made.

2) It's terrifying how accurately the story of Schadenfreude, my own personal inner changeling, has predicted my real life. That's... probably not good.

3) I really need to become a net producer rather than consumer of affection again-- fast. Lean times are coming. Stock up.

They're just going to be having a small memorial service for my uncle. Something like an hour long at one of his favorite restaurants-- nice, but not really worth flying out to.

I still offered to head home for a couple weeks for Mom, but she insists she's fine. I'm all geared up to Be Strong And Mature and have... nothing to do now.

I'm not surprised this is what Bob wanted. I think I'd want something similar. The sudden silence now is just really weird though.

While we're on the topic of "things that make me sad," I'm starting to suspect Latvia may never have recovered from the Soviet Era. This is some of the nastiest food I've ever seen while on the clock.

https://www.facebook.com/pg/Kavin%C4%97-Geroms-261236824079888/photos/?ref=page_internal

Please just understand that I don't want anything but company and reassurance right now. Nobody else is expected to come in and just fix this. Nobody is expected to radically change their behavior.

I just need a place where I can talk out loud about this stuff. Having it all just echo around in my head by itself is scary.

These words, and Peggy, are basically all I feel like I have left. Losing more family ain't helping.

Thank you for those who have borne with me here.

I miss everybody. I honestly don't know what more I can do to fix things, from this state of low energy.

Trying to get back into therapy is turning into a bureaucratic clusterfuck and a painful reminder of class issues, and it's not helping that it seems to be people's first and only answer for dealing with these things.

And honestly, I've only had one therapist who's ever really been worth a damn. Not sure therapy is really good for my anarchist sensibilities. >_<

There's only so much I can do to make depression, verbal self-evisceration, and crushing separation anxiety interesting.

I know what happens to people who get on this cycle. I lived it all through college, and more importantly, I watched Daria.

I don't want to become the Misery Chick. Or more likely, given my utter resignation on gender issues, the Misery Dude. Or as I slowly, sadly drift away from you all on uspol, the Misery Shitlord.

#SamplesRepresentActualMoods

#ButAreNotActualSize

Meanwhile, I guess I'm just back on my bullshit. Been brooding about death in general and the world's willingness to give good people a Bad End out of nowhere for no real reason. And shitheads like me, out of somewhere, because we've fucked up so many times.

Despite fine efforts on other people's part, I'm still picking myself apart over old guilt. That's probably just gonna happen for a while, and is probably healthy in the long run. Guess I needed it. *shrug*

Finally heard from home. Turned out mom had been one digit off on my cousin's cell #.

My uncle had an aortic aneurysm which burst during surgery. He did not want a service. He will be cremated as per his wishes and scattered at the pond in Quebec where he and my granddad used to fish.

I'm okayish. Mom's slightly okayish so far, just really stunned. Cousin's going to be okayish. I will probably remain in Seattle though I'm gonna offer to come home if Mom needs me.

I really wish we could revive the old Discordian insult, "minion of Greyface." It sums up so many of the things that make me wary of people, in such a tidy little mythical package.

http://discordia.wikia.com/wiki/Greyface

http://discordia.wikia.com/wiki/Curse_of_Greyface

Basically okay. Thinking yeah, it was a real good idea to get my other emotional cloggery dealt with, and that went all right.

Still haven't heard anything back from Mom. We don't even know yet what happened to him. Popped her a note of support and am gonna spend the rest of the evening as normally as possible. Having some work hours due will help.

Thank you all again.

One step down, the biggest one. That was easier than I thought, and yeah, it does feel a lot better.