Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

current mood:

mimikyu caught in an updraft ;_;

"Peg and I know the secrets of the Friend Zone. We have lived there quite happily together for some time. So whenever you feel like dying, Normal Terran Bro, feel free to visit."

Seriously. Every last one of my long-term relationships came out of the Friend Zone. I don't get this concept of "we can't live side by side so I guess I hate you forever now and never want to see you again."

Except Vashra. She's a crazy bitch. But I completely blame Texas for that one. T'was nothing left of her. :p

That face when you try to look at depressing lyrics to make yourself feel better, and you succeed... but only because the gender relations in most songs are so totally alien and bewildering to you that you wonder if the shame and guilt you're feeling aren't Just Some Crazy Human Thing too.

Man, most people's relationships are creepy. I must have done SOMETHING right with my fucked-up life if a lyrical sentiment like "I love you too much to ever start liking you" doesn't make any sense to me.

Meanwhile, a glimpse into another universe where I'm actually getting to spend my time the way *I* want. XD

http://butchtransqueer.tumblr.com/post/163982059368/sexartandpolitics-bdsm-is-serious-business

Meanwhile there is a women doing cold sales calls at the cafe table right next to me, and not only do I feel it's rude as hell to make calls in a public quiet space like this, right now I feel a bit like she's doing the economic equivalent of necromancy and it's my obligation as a Purple Zebra Knight to slay her before she raises some foul Nutralife spirit or an avatar of Alec Baldwin or something.

Come on, Jong-Un, we're a skosh south of Vancouver. Relax, keep your eye on the ball, and hit us.

(This is of course not any lack of affection for anybody, just... yeah. Getting out to see people means exposing myself to other people's standards and having to actually put myself together and act like something resembling a person and I care about you all but that's just not something I'm interested in or comfortable with doing right now, when I have the option to just put my head down and work all day and ignore my current self-image as much as possible.)

Except that's bullshit, of course. We're not gonna die in a nuclear firestorm -- Christ, the North Koreans can't EVEN reliably hit Guam right now. But I'll tell you, the Comrade Eeyore Brigade on Birdsite is not improving my mood or desire to persist one bit right now.

My feeling right now is that life is "good enough." There's no reason to fight for or against it. No plans, no energy, no fear, no desire to see anyone but Peggy, no desire to peek back in the anxiety closet.

I wouldn't say I'm self-destructive in the least when I'm like this. It's more like my favorite line from the 99p Challenge quiz show, where the panelists were charged with stopping the host from jumping off a building: "It's all right! You will die eventually! You just have to be a bit patient!"

Everything is converging nicely towards the big dramatic mass doom that I was secretly a bit hoping would come along and relieve me of the frustrations of being me.

Meanwhile, my guilt and shame are shouting way over the muted voices of my friends. I feel like I'm just supposed to disappear and get out of Dodge for good, and I've been feeling withdrawn and lazy enough that this actually sounds like a pretty appealing idea.

I'm maintaining, as long as I don't think too hard about the awkwardness and fear attendant to checking in on old friends. Safer in the cave for now. No uncomfortable questions about me get answered here.

I'm so close to just packing it in and giving up on today. I got a marginal amount of work done. Spending the rest of the day in bed sounds really appealing.

Had a disheartening brawl with a couple gender essentialists who were harping on a stat argument that made no sense me. Got a bunch of snotty memes and mob tactics for my trouble.

(in other news, god damn am i apparently in the mood for a good old-fashioned supernatural horror film tonight)

If you hear scraping noises on the Internet moors tonight, that's just Old Valis sharpening his Evaluatin' axe.

If you hear screams, that's just one more foolish traveler who used yellowpages.com as a primary source.

They say Old Valis hollows out their heads, fills them with cold iron, and uses them for compasses.

I think I've lost my fire. I don't even have the nerve to ask the people on my Birdland timeline, "Hey, um, didn't I hear something about North Korea still needing a decent guidance system before they can hit us?"

I'm done trying to pull people out of their panic. It feels futile. Everybody's talking each other up so fast, there's no time to stop them and say "hey, I have real issues with this"-- and the last time I really tried, it led to a complete personal upheaval.

INITATIVE MEASURE NO. 1947

FILED AUGUST 8, 2017

BE IT ENACTED BY THE PEOPLE OF THE STATE OF WASHINGTON:

Sec. 1. INTENT.

(1) The intent of this act is to render illegal the act of playing, performing, or facilitating the playing of any song, musical composition, or audio file that employs one (1) or more infants (defined as human beings under the age of 3 years) as vocalists in or near premises of any cafe, coffeehouse, teahouse, or other public venue of civilized or caffeinated nature.

Notwithstanding the previous, I'm doing just fine. Just wanted to get it out of my system! Will probably be ready to deal with a social calendar again fairly soon. :)

I'm also finding myself a little bit scared of both work and Parallax again, and that's been making it hard to be productive. They're not that bad, really, but they've both gotten just complicated enough for me to second-guess myself.

Work's involved a lot more writing and a lot more social navigation than usual. Parallax is all dealing with (really good <3 ) criticism and making plots make internal sense. It's not awful but I feel all stuck.

I mean, that ain't so bad. I had friends and a social life and a partner at 20. I was just compulsive, reclusive, and a little scared of everybody.

NTM, it was a hell of a lot easier to get away with that personality when I was 20 and still arguably looked *good* in PVC stockings. :p

I feel old, I feel old. I shall wear the black and red leopard-print rubber leggings of my fursuit rolled. :p

You know... I'm okay.

Peg's been gracious beyond belief about me landing in her lap like this. We're actually having a pretty good time-- a little edgy, but nothing that can't be easily sublimated into predator-prey relationships. *blush*

Anxiety has been a little crazy still. Lots of self-blame and lots of worry about the future. I feel like I've lost a few layers of personality, reverted to a lot of the habits of 20-year-old me.

I was about to disgorge a whole bunch of self-pity and depression here, when "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls came on the cafe speakers.

Instantly, it was impossible to take any of it seriously. Nothing against the Indigo Girls-- there was just something so Very Special Episode and cloying about the whole moment and my natural cynic defenses kicked in.

It was nice.

This was originally supposed to be my afterdark identity, not a venting identity! Zebras *do* make exceptional goths and emos, but...

I should be lewd here more often. Not much has really been pushing my buttons lately, but y'all have had some REAL interesting ideas...