@Momentrabbit rationally it makes sense that emotional realizations need to be repeated to learn them, like anything else you learn. But *irrationally* I feel I’m “supposed to” learn any new material immediately, and that I’ll be judged poorly if I don’t.

This is ironic considering the context.

Here’s the more personal part; my psych issues mostly come out of a really hostile childhood which repeated and banged home all the negatives I got from a horrific accident.

@Momentrabbit so the same way I am really vulnerable to feeling trapped, stuck and treading water, I got a lot of baggage about disaster at any time, well beyond anything I might’ve deserved. In the case of my parents and school life - and until I left for college that was pretty much my entire existence - some really bad interactions with others slammed that message deep into my brain.

@Momentrabbit The result is that when I feel self doubt or self hate, it’s 1 part sincere upset at myself to 4 parts concern others will disapprove of me, and I’ll be disproportionately punished in some way or another.

And there’s little nuance to this belief. Possibly because of how huge everything looked in my pre-18 life, it’s (so far) difficult for me to perceive any disappointment, disapproval or threat as anything other than a huge catastrophe.

If that makes sense?

@Leucrotta Sure does. In a safer environment, where a young you didn't have perfectly good reason to associate negative assessments with existential-level threats, you'd be able to take a little ego ding and just work through it or even ignore it. But given how things *did* go, I'm guessing it's ''disproportionate" fight-or-flight responses a lot?

As an aside: dammit. You didn't deserve that, growing up. Any of it. No kid does. ;.;

@Momentrabbit yeah. *everything* became a reason to be ridiculed for weeks or months at a time, trapped in one place, to have an angry adult harangue me or scream in my face, or to be shoved or punched, etc. there just weren’t minor mistakes in my childhood.