I seriously want to stop right now. Just... not be. I'm hurting too much, I'm crying too much, and I wish I could be just a little less broken, and that day never really comes. >.<

Little more stable at the moment, going to try to nap. Will respond individually later, but thank you all so much for reaching out. >.<

So, the cycle I seem to keep hitting is this:

1. Mess up on meds at some point. (I just forget doses sometimes.)
2. My anxiety crashes get extra bad, because unstable meds.
3. Unable to work / deal with life in general.
4. Feel terrible that useless and never good enough and obsessively worry that my boss isn't /really/ telling me what he thinks (that I'm a terrible employee and am going to end up fired).
5. Crash hard enough from #2-4, esp resulting overwork from #4 that I mess up my sleep schedule and end up missing medication doses.

I at least know the problem, but stabilizing and getting out of this loop long term is brutally difficult.