Velvet Silmeria!Mánibranðr @FreyaManibrandr@awoo.space

If you need someone to talk to who is not going to judge you for your behavior, past or present, but who will instead try to help you untangle your thoughts and get to a point where you are safe and healthy and can begin addressing what's wrong, please feel free to drop me a line. I can't promise a lot of support, but I will do what I can, even if it's simply listening.

/thread

There is no shame in saying, "I'm sorry, I didn't know, I will do better next time" and simply *withdrawing*.

You do not have to fight back.

You do not have to escalate things.

It's okay to be wrong, and it's okay to admit to it. Growing and learning are part of life.

If you are reading this and feel like parts of it are extremely uncomfortable, good news: you can make a conscious choice to change your behavior.

If you feel ashamed of how you have been acting, realize this: growing up in an abusive household means that the coping strategies you learn are abusive. It is *on you* to realize that they do not bring you happiness and do the work to relearn them.

You can start by identifying what you do and making an effort to stop it.

Don't Justify what you did. They will twist it and use it against you.

Don't Argue -- this feeds their victim complex.

Don't Defend -- it makes you look guilty, and they will absolutely latch onto that.

Don't Explain -- there is no explanation you can give that will make them stop being an asshole.

Repeat what you have said, with evidence if you have it, make sure other people have the full story, and let 'em know about DARVO if you are comfortable doing so. Then bow out.

Finally:

If you are the whistleblower, and this happens to you, please note that you are not alone. It is a *common* tactic, laughably common.

There is not a lot you can do, but there are a few things.

There's another useful acronym here -- JADE. Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.

The temptation is to think that you're dealing with a reasonable human being, and they'll listen to you and take what you say in good faith, but...they won't.

5). At this point, it is on you to let other people know what the situation is and what the accused is trying to do. You have to keep the focus on *their* behavior, and support their victim -- the ACTUAL victim.

If you can do this, congratulations, you're on your way to building a healthy community.

3). The accused is going to try *every tactic they can think of* to keep the listener from "turning" on them, including bringing up the past, attacking the character of the person who does the accusing with nebulous attacks, restoring to strawman arguments -- *everything*.
4). When the accused doesn't think that they have a chance of winning you over, they will label you a "toxic" person and begin to attack you as well.

Recenter the narrative and make it about the original abusive act.

Point out that the person who is being called out for bad behavior is trying to rugsweep by using DARVO as a tactic.

Focus on what was originally done, not something that is long in the past or not relevant to the topic at hand.

Let's go over an example, shall we?

Once you know how to spot it, you gotta know how to stop it.

Honestly? The only way to win is not to play.

But if you gotta -- if you are being forced to "pick sides" in some never-ending ridiculous conflict...and it's important to you that you DO pick a side...

Ask yourself the questions.

Figure out who is employing this technique. It's rare, but sometimes BOTH sides will, and they'll BOTH flip back and forth on who is the "victim" in the equation.

Whenever you see conflict between two people who are asking you to "pick sides", you have to stop and ask yourself:

-Who brought the original accusation?
-Was that accusation grounded in reality (that is to say, it is something that makes sense and was not completely out of left field)?
-How did the person who was accused respond? What was *their* take on it? Were they apologetic and humble, or did they attack the other person and convince their friends to close ranks?

In many cases, they end up building up supporters, because people see them being "attacked" (rightfully called out for doing things that are harmful or dangerous to the community), and want to step up and defend them, because they have triangulated themselves such that they are successfully read as being a victim each time.

It is *insidious*.

It is extremely common, especially in smaller communities.

*You have to be aware of how to stop it*.

Once *any attention* is paid to the attack, they will begin reversing the victim and the offender in the situation. In day-to-day interactions, it can be hard to tell who is actually at fault, and this is often extremely successful.

Consider:

"They're only calling me out because [something that ties to the previous personal attack]."

Something like: "They're only calling me racist because they're queerphobic! I once overheard them call [NAME] [slur]!"

There are a lot of famous examples of this. Brett Kavanagh. Matt Lauer. R. Kelly. Some people refer to it as "playing the victim", but it's more complex than that, and a lot of the time, especially in situations where it's not high-profile people involved, it gets used successfully.

When called out on bad behavior, someone will DENY that they did it: "I never said that, you can't prove it, I meant [x] not [y]..."

They will attempt to change the narrative.

I said earlier that I'd talk about this, so.

It's important to know what DARVO is and how it's used as a tool to bully people into silence/complicity in bad behavior.

DARVO is an acronym. It stands for:

Deny
Attack
Reverse Victim and Offender.

It is a technique that is used by abusive people to cover up their abuse.

It is incredibly common. Knowing how to spot it is key.