Goldkin @Goldkin@awoo.space

The sole benefit to catching bronchitis after travel: I can currently talk in the voice of Solid Snake. I’ve been making use of it while it lasts.

It says a lot about me that I crush on the friendly dragon and the fourth level boss of the game, because of course I do.

Someone in line for a videogame yesterday asked me if I was also going to pick up the rereleased Rune Factory 4. I said I would, and played through before, after which they asked me “which woman I married”.

I didn’t have the heart to tell them I crushed on Ventuswill (the cheerful, sincere wind dragon deuteragonist) enough that I refused to complete the story arcs that make her disappear and eventually become human.

Also, that I was courting Leon.

I just flew 9 timezones West (UTC+2 -> UTC-7), so my sleep schedule is pretty messed up right now.

So far, my dreams the first two nights have been:

* Learning to craft a game engine out of primitives, in episodic, 1-hour broken sleep segments, with a Black Mirror/Transistor-style plot format

* Unbroken sleep for several hours, in which my brain perfectly simulated a 22/22 big key run in A Link to the Past Randomizer (left first, big key in Tile Room)

It's unfair how delicious Norwegian roadside diners make their food. The flat steak and burgers are just: ;..;

The sheep here are very curious about people.

@Goldkin And the good weeks, that 2 of 52, remind me I am not broken, that I am still good at caring for people, and that I am not the varying horrors that drove me from those old places.

I just wish I were better at pulling it all together, and at not being terribly afraid of a repeat of the fallings out and accusations and pain. Because I know that passes, too, even if it scars.

For now, I should probably sneak back to enjoying the rest of this trip and making the best of the time.

@Goldkin My feeling is that too much weight has been put into wishing for specific collections of people again, and just putting things off until a nearly unending list of practical demands are met. This is also not sustainable for me.

I don't really know what to do about it. I spend much of the remainder stewing in my own feelings of self-doubt that I do not fit in and replaying the specific events that cast me out of my older communities. And all that does is comfort and stall action.

It is not emotionally maintainable for me to spend 2 weeks out of every 52 reconnecting with people and feeling like I belong again, sometimes flying half a world away to do so (NDG), while letting the other 50 remain fallow.

Which is another way of saying NDG is going well, and that I miss people the remainder of the time. Not just specific people, but any sense of community again.

That is not an impossible thing, even in the dark times. Especially in the dark times.

I'm currently out of town, and I want to frame the view outside the window.