Kistaro Windrider @Kistaro@awoo.space

Hm, I used all the milk in my tea just now. I have a choice.

⚪️ write it down and then feel stressed all day trying to figure out when to go to the grocery store and buy more and figure out what the meal plan for the week will be
🔘 go to the damn grocery store, it’s across the street

“I’m a failure unless the people around me are okay” is not a healthy way to live. “My job is to help others and get out of the way so actual people can have better lives” is not a healthy attitude to have. And it is genuinely not my attitude - but I also harbor this fear that if I dropped it I’d become someone monstrous. But I genuinely want people around me to thrive; I will not become a monster by learning that doing my thing is not in opposition to others’ well-being, and usually supports it

...I think part of why I want to do the “flamingly gay raver goth” thing is because recently I’ve been thinking of myself as attractive and I’d like to play with ideas of who I could be. I’ve spent my entire life afraid of attention and, as much as it looks like it, that is genuinely *not who I am*, that is instead who I feel obligated to be due to the cultural influence of the extremely anti-individualist anti-exploration half of my family, the culturally loud half in my childhood.

My local cultural spaces have such unkind words for “men trying to project too much confidence” that it’s made me afraid to try any part of it, because I’d have to fake it for a while first, and that act itself would make me some kind of monster, apparently.

I mean, it makes sense, a lot of folks have been hurt by people acting like an overconfident jackass. I’ve over-learned from expressions of disdain for that behavior around me, though, and over-suppressed a pattern well below healthy levels

I want to learn to be less perpetually polite-and-deferential in some ways. I’m so afraid of offending or harming or challenging anyone around me that I miss chances to be playful, to make connections, to engage with people as an equal; being just a bit of a cocky smart-ass has more potential in some important ways. It’s hard to change habits and I’m not sure how to do it, but nothing will happen if I don’t try.

current gender: GAAAAAAAAY

Attn. @zebratron2084

Note to self when playing Quest Rogue: If your repeating minion is the Elvish Minstrel, make sure there will be space for the Crystal Core in your hand the fifth time you play it #hearthstone

Sometimes the phrase “mirror match” is more literally accurate than usual. #hearthstone

My office seems to replace its absurdly expensive automatic coffee dispenser machines with completely different ones of a different brand every eight to eighteen months and I do not understand why

...do I really have any hobbies or interests left? I think I mostly just have ways to fill time until I have other people around to worry about :x

I am an introvert by nature and yet I do really poorly alone. I need people around me and opportunities to socialize frequently. I have a lifelong history of judging myself harshly for wanting attention from people, and as such I haven’t developed any real skill at all for going out and arranging to do stuff with people.

I’m really liking Mind Control Tech in Odd Paladin; it singlehandedly turns around occasional games against Cubelock and Even Paladin. It’s not reliable, but it doesn’t have to be reliable to observably improve my win rate compared to the card I slotted out for it (whichever that 1/1 with Divine Shield but not Taunt is). #hearthstone