Sappy kelpy Musicposting (Metric - Now or Never Now)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HguRV6ONFwg
this song given my past, gods.
In light of everything I've gained...
In light of where I came from, what I survived, and to be HERE and THIS.
looking at my trauma and recover next to my identity exploration. Yeah, it's connected. of course it is, Vloe
MH, Trauma (~)
I've been trying to recover from the ashes of my trauma... who I am and where I'm from.. trying to find the things that matter to me and cling onto them.
I lost everything. I lost -so- much and had -nothing-. When I lost my friends, my family, my LIFE, I had run from the things that made me inherently me.
MH, Trauma (~)
The only things that no one can EVER take away from you. Who I am, Where I'm from. My sense of self and sense of place. I ran from them, so that when everything else fell I didn't even have myself to confide in. That's when I became plural. That's when we shattered. Gods, that's when we shattered...
MH, Trauma (~)
I've been slowly rebuilding myself since then. Slowly , I made friends, I got out, I crawled inch by inch to a place where i could breath.
And then he raped me. My ex. I was traumatized all over again.
And I started crawling again. It's no wonder it took me -so- long to even get -here-. It's a miracle i even got here -at all-. How did I ever hang on?
MH, Trauma (~)
part of me hung on to hope. hung on to every vague possibility that I may actually be This. That I may be nonhuman and.. all that I am now. That there was the vaguest of possibilities that it could be true...
and that feeling got me through. That hope was enough of who I am and where I'm from to give me something to live for. to survive for, to push for and to HEAL for.
MH, Trauma (~)
I finally feel like I can see a bit of HOW I am so hard on myself, expecting to work as complete as another person when I've been shattered so. Gods it's now wonder I need.. compassion. and even when I could never see it, even when I am depressed and miserable wishing I could do more, You all have seen what I couldn't. How badly I needed security and healing and love
MH, Trauma (~)
Here I always was fooled into thinking Healing was this respawn timer ticking away until the moment I become Whole again.
But I needed time, I needed love, and I needed to find myself again. to believe in myself again.
I could -never- see it. But my lovers.. my friends.. I know you do see it. You always believed I could heal and that I deserved it, even when I couldn't see it.
MH, Trauma (~)
So this is why It was so important for me to get out. To move across the entire country and risk so much to start new. I did risk so much by doing this, and no wonder this ended up being harder than I expected when it was me -choosing- something that could put me in that sort of risk again.
This is what I needed to heal. This is what I needed to truly be Myself again.
*meek grin* and -I- thought it would be easy
MH, Trauma (~)
@Oneironott Also familiar. I keep hoping recovery will be a toggle switch, that I'll have [moved cross-country/did therapy/did acid/had several weeks of intense revelations/etc] and boom, that's it, I'm happier, more rational, and basically neurotypical forevermore.
