Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

we've moved on from Siamese Dream to "Possum Kingdom," and "Glycerine," and might even get to "Flagpole Sitta" and "Song 2" as part of "stuff which isn't necessarily that great but lets me indulge in unwise nostalgia"

*reading argument about whether The Toadies' "Possum Kingdom" is about vampirism*

'course not, it's about hanging around South University Street and going to Pinball Pete's, Underworld and Gorditos not necessarily in that order

part II : crying to Smashing Pumpkins

fortunately at a dark time like this I can always find distraction in that great Californian liberal past time, being pissed off about why the fuck doesn’t Diane Feinstein step down/didn’t step down about a decade back

Then they had me shadow a senior CSR so G-d knows. I’m going to stick with see how Friday plays out, talk to folks on Telegram and draw to chill out this evening.

Trainer/supervisor who’d been critical all this time decided to throw me a practice call in which the theoretical caller was determined to flip his shit at someone. I did the practice as best possible since I could not discontinue or immediately refer the call, set up a callback, and got criticized for poor caller verification again and also my phrasing had invited the caller’s aggression. This on top of a all your calls are flawed, felt awful.

Essentially taking out self hate puts me back at; look this isn’t comfortable, do I trust I could land somewhere more comfortable enough to say naw, not worth it, worth the discomfort of looking and feeling unsafe that way, instead?

… and, this is the point where my thoughts quickly cycle to “I wish I were actually smart and worthwhile, I should have become a programmer or a car mechanic and I’d be safe from this, but I was/am too weak and fucking stupid” then “I am never going to be safe, I should kill myself and escape but I’m too cowardly.” None of these are productive or helpful thoughts.

Training for this job continues to be incredibly discouraging and makes me feel I’d be no good at the real deal. I’m still planning to give it another day and a half before telling my agency this isn’t working and asking them to find a different position. I HATE this there’s always something you’re getting wrong; even without it actually inviting a (possibly screamed) harangue about how stupid and inept I am, it’s profoundly distressing.

Matrix Matrix Revolution, in which Neo wins a dance off with Smith and other agents because while preternaturally skilled and fast they’re still limited to normal dancing in the Matrix, whereas as The One, our hero can truly bust some freaky moves.

Finally drew werewolves for #WerewolfWednesday! #drawing non human eye contact

looking through the PF2 Bestiary while on the toilet and in the Grim Reaper section they talk about "Lesser Deaths" and imho they should be a dungeon hazard, like they pop out of treasure chests whenever you're looking for ham and stuff.

welcome to Heavenly Haven!

warning, citizen riot in progress!
#MovieQuote

is it time to listen to Smashing Pumpkins after the Crow soundtrack and really wish I could do the 90s over again, with being young back but without all the fucking self-hate?

sometimes it rains inside my head
when the words run dryyyy
walls are breathing, hands are reaching up
to touch my thiiighs
no they don't have to take you away
no they don't have to take you away
no they don't have to take you away
no they don't have to take you away

Today was ass. Gonna get some groceries, mix red wine and Coke, ink some.

Seriously pondering asking to swap to a different (ie data entry) position with minimal phone handling and wonder if in general I just suck at communicating.

You’re not gonna believe this, but what really upsets me is rooted in a batch of terrible shit from childhood (how do you best teach a little possibly ADHD, definitely PTSD introvert jock who’s *already* dumping nearly all the energy they can muster to do what’s officially vital, rather than reading or climbing trees or w/e?).

If I lose this job because I don’t consistently sound like I’m creaming my jeans/receiving a hepatoma diagnosis with our callers as called for by the situation…