Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

Hey guess who got as high as 80/150 on their fifth graded call? Yeah. This is like fucking grade school. I would rather work someplace that started with the assumption that I *might* be a good employee for them. Fuck this.

Mock call 5 is supposed to be a test of “caller angry about everything” so my boss (not my trainers) asked me into his office to warn me and check if I was up to it. I said yes because I feel that won’t change the core stuff I might get right or wrong (I feel okay with some material *not* tested by the prior 2 graded calls), and I’m already familiar with how bad bombing a graded call here feels. So I expect this to really emotionally wipe me.

Late stage capitalism, in which there’s actually lots of stuff I want to buy from folks who have been obscured by algorithms, while constantly trying to block or mute folks selling stuff that doesn’t interest me at all, and this is academic because I largely can’t spend much.

I don’t know the future, I’m not a telepath, I might for all I know actually get past this training. And if that happens then I look for something else and ditch these folks as soon as possible. But in the meantime I need to do due diligence about trying to get past training.

why do birds suddenly appear
every time you are near
just like me, they long to be
close to you
why do stars fall down from the sky
every time you walk by?
just like me, they long to be
close to you

You know what I think the video for "Today" is about right? https://youtu.be/xmUZ6nCFNoU

Amon Amarth be like "that last time I sang AAAXXXE it didn't sound quite badass enough, let's do another take" and Heilung be like "our new song Ale with lyrics taken from runes carved in a Vendel period spear haft they found in a bog outside Arhus"

#drawings today, an ogre chieftain hoists a fully armored foe high into the air, and a wizard (with her halfling scout friend) confront a weird undead! (My thinking is githyanki lich wrapped in spell bindings but levitating and using ghost hands to cast spells.)

I said FISH FUCK BABY
I'm gonna fuck you with a fish!
I said FISH FUCK BABY YEAH!
I'm gonna fuck you with a fish!
I'm gonna take a moa-moa and swim it up your butt!
You slut! You whore!
WHY ARE YOU MY MOM
WHY ARE YOU MY MOM
WHY ARE YOU MY MOM
WHY ARE YOU MY MOM
Fish fuck!

SLAY THEM ALL LET THEM COME!
LET THEM COME!
LET THEM COME!
THEY COME FOR
MEAT! SANDWICH! (crucify)
MEAT! SANDWICH! (crucify)
MEAT! SANDWICH! (crucify)
MEAT! SANDWICH!
MEAT! SAAAAWAANDWICH
MEAT SANDWICH, WHOA-WHOAAAA!

Man Tomas Giorello is so COOL!

I just want them to skip ahead to the part where they fire me. This is DEFINITELY not working for me and I don’t feel permitted to back out.

Back to “who the hell gave these people the right to trigger me and who the hell gave my Dad and teachers the right to install them?”

Still “get this thing right for which we gave you no specific instructions/have increased the difficulty on/will talk to you about what you should have done afterwards while you cannot get away or protest” even without the screaming is enough like childhood it’s not welcome. And discourages my studying.

And that was mock call 4, which I probably bombed because they threw a hitherto unaddressed issue, and I went over 2 minutes on hold because supervisors were unavailable, and I’m sure there’s more they will spot. That’s a downer but then, they’ve already soured me on working here.

And if for whatever reason the 4th graded call is brutally terrible; I didn’t have any weed last night and that could help tonight or tomorrow night if they act as i’m worried about.

Okay, gotta remember to try and depersonalize procedure phrased as personal (YOU did) criticisms in the event that it is possible to make these people happy (I’m not telepathic and don’t know for sure whether they’ve decided to fail me, since an asshole doesn’t need to be ntentionally hostile to be an asshole). And as a worst case I wash out and need to find different work, which I kinda want anyway.

Tldr version of what I *think* was up with my mental health yesterday was; although my emotional health has definitely improved a lot, I still have baggage about being set up to fail then being harangued for my mistakes by a superior adult, and the trainers here hit that hard and often enough that I got the tunnel vision and went right into all the associated “scripts” if that makes sense.

Bad night for sleep, brain trying to resolve yesterday in NOT childhood response and even without that there's still a spectacular amount of cortisol floating around.

So I put in for 10-15 jobs, not particularly involved applications but maybe it's good to get things started?